Why Some People Can’t Forgive Themselves–and How Others Break Free

The key difference is in how people think about time and responsibility.

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We’ve all had moments that we can’t stop replaying: a careless comment, a choice that hurt someone, a silence when we should have spoken up.

For some people, those memories—the scene, the words, or the look on someone’s face—stay painfully vivid. They linger like fresh wounds, making self-forgiveness feel out of reach for years.

A new study published in the journal Self and Identity has identified why some people remain trapped in cycles of self-blame while others find a way to forgive themselves and move forward.

The difference isn’t willpower or the severity of the mistake. Rather, it starts with how people frame their experience and how they relate to what happened.

What Separates Self-Forgiveness From Self-Blame

Researchers at Flinders University interviewed 80 Americans about personal failures that they struggled to forgive themselves for. Half (41) said they still couldn’t let go; the other half (39) had found a way forward.

“Forgiveness is about releasing someone from vengeful or punishing intentions while still acknowledging what happened,” Lydia Woodyatt, the study’s lead author and a psychology professor at Flinders University in Australia, told The Epoch Times in an email. “Self-forgiveness works the same way.

“Our research shows that people struggle with self-forgiveness for all sorts of situations where they can feel shame, guilt, or regret.”

While the circumstances of participants varied, a pattern emerged: Those who were able to forgive themselves didn’t just make a decision and move on; instead, they engaged in an ongoing process shaped by how they understood guilt, responsibility, and identity.

The clearest difference between self-forgiveness and self-blame wasn’t what they had done; it was how they thought about time.

Stuck in the Past–or Looking Ahead

Those who struggled with self-forgiveness weren’t just remembering the past; they were living in it. For them, the guilt and shame remained raw, replayed like a loop they couldn’t turn off.

The more that people ruminate, the more the body stays on high alert, said Everett Worthington, a clinical psychologist and author of “Moving Forward: Six Steps to Forgiving Yourself and Breaking Free From the Past,” who was not involved in the study.

“It keeps the emotional pain fresh and demanding more attention,” he said.

“Each person’s struggle needs to be understood in the context of their own story. A woman might feel deep guilt after an abortion; another person may be grieving the loss of a long-held dream after failing to pursue it.”

These experiences are different, but what matters is the emotional weight they carry for the person experiencing them.

The problem is particularly acute with self-forgiveness, Worthington said.

“You can’t walk away,” he said. “You’re stuck with yourself, 24/7.”

In contrast, people in the study who had forgiven themselves were more future-oriented. The regret was still there, but the event no longer dominated their daily thoughts. Often, the turning point came when participants reframed what happened, integrating it into their life story and enabling themselves to begin to look ahead.

“Trying to suppress or avoid the thoughts and feelings didn’t help,” Woodyatt said. “Self-forgiveness was effort—it took time and working through, making sense of [it], sometimes alone but often with others.”

How Much Guilt Is Enough?

Another key difference was in how people navigated their sense of responsibility.

Those stuck in self-blame often swung between extremes, blaming themselves entirely one moment, then minimizing or blaming others the next. Each swing pulled them further from peace. Too much responsibility led to shame, while too little stripped away a sense of agency.

In contrast, participants who had forgiven themselves made room for nuance. They acknowledged that they had made bad choices but also recognized that some things were outside their control.

This ability to hold both truths—what psychologists call “both/and” thinking—opened a door to self-compassion and healing, without avoiding accountability.

Accountability isn’t the enemy of self-forgiveness, according to Worthington. It’s the foundation.

“To be responsible in your self-forgiveness, you have to address the harm,” he said. “And if you can’t make amends directly, you can still pay it forward.”

That might mean helping others, supporting a cause, or living more intentionally in line with your values, a shift that often marked a turning point in the study.

When Guilt Becomes Identity

Many participants struggled most with moments in which they believed that they had failed someone they were meant to protect: a child, a partner, or a pet. The guilt wasn’t just about what happened, but what it seemed to say about who they were: “What kind of parent does this?” “What does this say about me?”

The shame struck at their identity. Self-forgiveness meant not just letting go of guilt, but rebuilding a sense of self.

Some participants also blamed themselves for being victims of abuse, either for not stopping it or for how they reacted to it.

“Emotions like shame and guilt can be very normal, especially when we feel we’ve failed in our responsibilities, or when others have hurt us in ways that feel devaluing,” Woodyatt said.

In these moments, supporting someone who is struggling with forgiving himself means listening, not minimizing.

“Try to help the person make sense of their emotions without telling them their emotions are wrong or are inappropriate,” Woodyatt said.

The Tools That Work

Both groups in the study used similar tools: therapy, journaling, spiritual practices, and talks with friends. But their intentions differed.

Those stuck in blame often used these tools to escape, to numb the pain, or to quiet the inner critic, if only temporarily.

Those who had begun to forgive themselves used the same strategies to process and to reflect on the values they had failed to live up to, such as being a present parent, an honest partner, or a compassionate friend. In reconnecting with those values, they actively took steps to embody them again in daily life.

“There was often a commitment to core values as a motive for moving forward,” Woodyatt said.

She suggested reflecting on a few questions:

• What value do you feel was violated by the thing that happened in the past that is causing you these thoughts and feelings?
• Why is that value important to you?
• What are other ways you express that value?
• What small step can you take this week to live out that value?

“For example, a parent who regretted a decision that hurt their child might forgive themselves because they value being a good parent,” Woodyatt said. Punishing oneself can get in the way of living in accord with that value.

A Road Map to Self-Forgiveness

Worthington offered six steps that can guide the journey of self-forgiveness:

1. Open Yourself to Forgiveness: Seek reconciliation with what feels sacred to you, whether it’s God, your values, or a sense of humanity.
2. Repair Where You Can: Make amends if possible. If it is not possible, “pay it forward” by doing good for others or supporting your community.
3. Rethink the Rumination: Notice when you’re stuck in replay mode. Let go of perfectionism and challenge harsh self-judgments.
4. Practice REACH Emotional Forgiveness:
   
   • Recall what happened clearly.
   • Empathize with yourself in context.
   • Altruistically forgive as a gift to yourself.
   • Commit to that forgiveness.
   • Hold on to it through future setbacks.

5. Rebuild Self-Acceptance: See yourself as complex, imperfect, and worthy of grace, just like anyone else.
6. Resolve to Live Virtuously: Decide what living well means to you now; don’t just avoid past mistakes, but actively embody your values.

Worthington noted that self-forgiveness isn’t the only way people find peace. Some spiritually surrender, reframe the event, or simply commit to living differently.

“There are so many ways,” he said. “I can take it to God, seek justice, accept it and move on—or I could forgive.”

The Takeaway

Self-forgiveness isn’t about excusing harmful behavior or “getting over it” quickly. It’s about breaking free from mental patterns that keep you trapped in the past and finding a way to honor both accountability and self-compassion.

“Emotions are not facts,” Woodyatt said. “They are subjective in that it’s the way our brain and body experiences and responds to our circumstances. But they are signals that can help us explore our own needs and experiences.”

She said the key is learning to hold those feelings “lightly, with acceptance and curiosity—even the distressing feelings.”

For many people, that shift from past-focused rumination to future-focused growth marks the beginning of genuine healing.