Profound grief has no timetable. Moving forward is an individual thing—both in how it’s done and how long it takes. I would like to offer some suggestions to help make this difficult journey a little easier.
Although there is no such thing as “getting over” losing a child, it is possible to achieve a new normal. Of course, you will never forget or stop loving your child, but it is possible to achieve happiness again.
Life is a gift and every day is a blessing, even though it doesn’t always feel that way. There are others in your life that you love and who love you, maybe even need you. I am quite sure that our child on the other side would not want any of us to spend the rest of our lives grieving for them. It makes them happy to see us happy.
Holidays and Other Special Days
Special days like holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, (or angel-versaries as I like to call them) are definitely challenging. Most of us dread and fear the looming day. There are ways to tame these days so they are not so overwhelming.
With holidays, such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah, simplification is the key. You can even have a family meeting in advance to brainstorm what can be eliminated or minimized. Think of ways to scale down the decorations, cards and/or gift-giving. For instance, shop on-line instead of fighting the crowds. Possibly another family member could host the event. If you have younger children, of course, you still want to maintain holiday traditions, presents, etc. as much as you are able. Try making new traditions, like having family members mention a short memory of your child before the meal, or providing a journal where family and friends can share their funny or touching stories. Just remember to be kind to yourself, and trust that others close to you will understand.
Regarding special dates related to your child, like their angel-versary or birthday, keep in mind that the anticipation is always worse than the actual day. It helps to have a plan: you can give a party for friends and/or family, get out of town, host a “giving day” in their honor, or just go to a quiet place to give yourself the chance to be alone.
Personally, I hosted parties for my son’s first few birthdays. The planning and work involved helped to distract me before the dreaded day. His friends and family also appreciated a way to celebrate his life and share memories. It turned out to be a pleasant day, not nearly as bad as I’d feared. For his first angel-versary, I organized a beach clean up, (something dear to my son’s heart) and followed it with a barbeque at our house.
There is no right or wrong way to do this, but planning ahead can help.
