Ask any couple and most of them would agree that the question “When are you having kids?” is surely awkward. People might ask out of concern, unaware of what the other person is going through. For Australian mom and blogger Adele Barbaro, who was struggling to conceive, hearing such invasive questions was simply hurtful.
Wanting to discourage others from posing such a personal question to couples, she penned down a heartfelt post while reflecting on her own journey of fertility.
Barbaro recalled how she came up with various excuses whenever she was being asked “When are you having kids?” To hide what was really going on, she would say, with a forced smile, “We are just enjoying being newly married,” “We have some traveling we want to do first,” or “I’m just focusing on my career right now.”
Little did these concerned strangers, friends, or family members know that the seemingly innocent question to Barbaro hurt most, as she was struggling with infertility.
Barbaro had discussed adoption with her husband, Paul, but eventually, “after a year of trying, another operation and many many medications,” she opted for IVF to get pregnant.
She described her experience with IVF as a “time consuming, invasive, expensive and emotionally painful roller coaster I have been on.”
“When you are having difficulty conceiving, it seems everyone around you is falling pregnant,” she continued.
The tedious journey to have a baby left Barbaro “breaking as a person.” She became depressed, desperate, and bitter. Not able to conceive, she began to decline attending babies’ birthdays and certain get-togethers to avoid being around happy new moms.
Luckily, after enduring her first IVF cycle, Barbaro got pregnant!
“We were one of the lucky ones,” she wrote. “But many couples will be trying for years. And some may never succeed and my heart goes out to them.”
However, following the birth of their first child, Harvey, Barbaro and her husband were still bombarded with questions like “So when are you having number two?”
“And now that I have two wonderful children and I feel our family is pretty complete, the question still comes…,” she wrote.
Being asked the question “When are you having kids?” is upsetting for couples who are not able to conceive or those who simply don’t want to have kids. It’s also hurtful to those who can’t afford to have another child, or who have lost their baby.
Hence, Barbaro took it to advise people to “throw away” such a comment, and be sensitive the next time they run into a newlywed or a couple who has been married for a while.
Speaking to 9Honey, she explained, “For the couple experiencing infertility, it can be hurtful. The couple that doesn’t want kids has to find an answer. The newly-married couple may not have even discussed it! Or the mother who had a less than positive labor experience may not have emotionally healed.”
“Don’t ask them when they are having kids. You never know what’s going on,” she wrote.
One will never know the emotional distress it causes the couple as they attempt to answer this sensitive question, so it’s best to avoid asking.
