Pediatrician: How Parents Can Communicate Effectively With Children Who Don’t Want to Listen

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A mother brought her 9-year-old son to my clinic. The boy beat someone at school, and the teacher told the parent. The mother said, “I don’t know what to do with him. Scolding does not work, nor does punishment.”

I asked, “Can you tell me something he is good at?”

The mother said, “He doesn’t have any. No matter what I say, all he does is talk back.” If you think there is nothing good about a child, then this is the issue.

Many children’s behavioral issues actually result from parents’ or caregivers’ methods of educating the children. Theres a line from a Chinese classic: “not educating a child is the fault of the father; not being strict in a child’s education is the laziness of the teacher.” Of course, it’s not all the father or teacher’s fault. Parents effectively exhaust themselves to educate and bring up their children, but the problem is the method is often not right. A correct method of eduction should be effective, and improve the connection between parent and child.

No Blaming, but Praising

Let me give you a real life example. One time, my young son hit his older sister in the face. I called him over, and he braced himself for a scolding. So he was really surprised to hear me say, “You are great, as soon as I called you over, you came over.”

Then I said, “Can you tell Mom what made you so agitated?”

He said, “I wanted my sister to look at my Legos, but she won’t look no matter what!”

“Oh, I see. You’re great for wanting to share with your sister. You must love her very much.” He nodded. “Then, let’s try to get your sister’s attention through our words, so she can come and play with you, OK?” He nodded again.

Afterwards, I said: “Thank you for being so understanding, and willing to learn to communicate with others through words, and not violence. Mom thinks you did great!”

My son burst into tears. “Mom, I will communicate through words in the future, and will not hit my sister anymore.”

Throughout the process, even though the child did something wrong, he was not blame. This was a process of education done while praising the child.

Of course, it doesn’t mean the child will not do some wrong again. This is about what we just discussed: how to get rid of repeating bad habits.

Say What Kids Like to Hear, Make Them Agree With You

Smart parents know how to make their kids agree with them. When a child does something wrong, simply scolding him will only make the child not want to listen to you.

What are the things kids like to hear? Words of praise and understanding their needs. Just like the example above, “Tell me what happened?” “I see, I understand you, you want to this or that.”

Then say, “Let’s handle it the right way, should we?” “You are willing to learn, that’s very good. You listen to Mom, Mom will reward you.”

Instead of ‘No’ and ‘But,’ Use ‘And’

Many parents know to praise the child: “Mom knows you are always nice, mom also understand why you were upset, but it is not right to hit people.”

But this kind of praise will make the listener uncomfortable. It’s no different than criticizing. Kids then learn that every time you criticize him you will start with some sort of praise, and tune out---then you won’t be able to educate the child.

Instead, you can say “Mom knows you are always nice, mom also understand why you were upset, and you know it’s not right to hit people.” It extends agency together with responsibility. It will be much better received.

Don’t Force Apologies, But Allow Them

Many parents say, “You know you were wrong. Go apologize to your sister.” This kind of apology is a forced apology, and does not really educate children on the purpose and power of an apology.

As the example, we should lead children to realize their own wrongdoings. Then the child can really accept your view points.

So how do you lead children to recognize their mistakes? Lead the child to feel remorse. If someone did something wrong, he or she tends to not accept others’ criticism of it, they will become defensive. But if you can understand, accept, and forgive him or her, the child will feel regret and feel sorry for what they did, and apologize on his or her own.