R | 2h 1m | Action | March 21, 2024
The thing is, the original knew what it wanted to be: a pseudo-western, substituting dive-bar bouncers for Wild West outlaws and lawmen, which is why Mr. Swayze’s character was named “Dalton,” after the notorious Dalton gang, and Sam Elliott was Wade Garrett, after lawman Pat Garrett.
Despite the wink-wink concept, the original “Road House” managed to nail a certain nostalgic Americana atmosphere, which is why it’s long since become a cult classic.
The Doings
“Road House” opens with Elwood Dalton (Gyllenhaal), a former UFC Mixed Martial Arts fighter, whose tortured past has him down and out and living out of his car. He’s been making a living by attending local fights—all he has to do is show up, the other fighters forfeit out of terror just by seeing his face, and he gets paid for nothing.
He gets approached by Frankie (Jessica Williams), owner of The Road House, who needs a good bouncer to keep the violence and bottle-throwing mayhem at her drinking establishment to a minimum. Dalton just gets more suicidal, and parks his car on some train tracks, awaiting the ultimate KO. But after a miracle, he decides that a fresh start at a Florida Keys roadhouse bar might be a good change of pace.
Fresh off the bus, Dalton befriends Charlie (Hannah Lanier), a young girl who works at a tiny bookstore with her dad (Kevin Carroll), and realizes they’re being extorted by local organized crime.
The new version then moves on to recreate the scene where the pretty, local ER doc stitches Dalton up after a dust-up with some bikers (led by JD Pardo, so effective in biker series “Mayans M.C.” but presented as a wimp here), and a romantic relationship with doc Ellie (Daniela Melchior) is kindled.
But Mr. Gyllenhaal and Ms. Mechior can’t come close to the original’s Patrick Swayze/Kelly Lynch chemistry, which was so scorching, that apparently every time Bill Murray sees those love scenes on TV, he likes to call up Ms. Lynch‘s husband and rib him about it. Now, I hope her husband punched him in the face several times—but Bill Murray’s not wrong.
Mr. Gyllenhaal’s Dalton has a little friendly chemistry with bartender Laura (B.K. Cannon), but even that doesn’t come close to the adorable, drooling, hero-worship the original Kathleen Wilhoite character had for Mr. Swayze’s Dalton; waiting on him hand and foot, swooning over a brief glimpse of Swayze-uncladness, and later on, getting onstage and revealing herself to be such a formidable blues singer that the whole audience went, “Whoa! Who knew?? You go girl!”
That’s Basically Enough Synopsis
If you’ve seen the original, you know the basic plot, and if you haven’t, the new version is just lots of bar-fighting in the bar and the parking lot, and a final showdown with the local crime boss. And the more glitzy yacht setting here can’t outshine the original’s bad guy, played by the legendary Ben Gazzara.
Mr. Gyllenhaal is obviously the best thing about the new “Road House.” I’d hoped Mr. McGregor would be a stand-out; an immediate athlete-turned-actor on the level of an Arnold Schwarzenegger or a John Cena. And he does okay; he’s admitted that he went in humble and ready to learn, which is all one can really ask. It’s being trumpeted about that he can’t act. That’s not exactly what the problem is. He’s actually not terrible, and the fight scenes are pretty electrifying, if overly bone-crunchingly jarring to the point of overkill.
Here’s what undid Mr. McGregor’s performance: For some reason, director Doug Liman, who directed the game-changing “The Bourne Identity” and who’s staged some of the best fight scenes in movie history (and should know better), allowed Mr. McGregor to walk for, like, a block and a half, butt-nekkid (shot only from behind, thankfully), but using this incredibly buffoonish, cartoonish cowboy-swagger. It’s just much too much McGregor-butt, and he walks around like that the entire movie (not naked, just swaggering). And it’s so bad it makes you think the rest of what he’s doing is bad acting. It’s not. The walk overpowers everything. It’s almost as if Mr. Liman surreptitiously invited Mr. McGregor to immediately and literally make an ass of himself at the outset of his acting career. I hope not. The Irishman, for all his extracurricular UFC shenanigans, is truly an elite athlete and a likeable guy.
What Undermined ‘Road House’ Ultimately
Mr. Elliott’s silver-maned, grizzled, moustachio’d, Harley-riding, heavy-punching, bass-grumbling, man-bun-with-a-rubberband-employing, while-bouncing-idiots-out-of-bars Wade Garrett was the heart and soul of the original “Road House.” He was Dalton’s mentor and was just gentlemanly enough not to steal Dalton’s girl. But you got the feeling that he could have. It was this alpha bromance that’s the foundation of all the cult fandom.
The fights are more brutal, better choreographed, but apart from the hilarious opening fight sequence where Dalton slaps an entire gang (like, literally open-palm slaps them all into submission), the update is anemic. That said, it still gets grandfathered in for 3 stars.
