R | 1h 53m | Mystery, Thriller, Comedy, Drama | 2025
The war of the sexes is ramping up dramatically, and it’s no joke. Bars are emptying out, men have discovered the tranquil peace and money-saving satisfaction of remaining single, strippers are going broke, and well over half the American male population subscribes to pornography sites. In the case of one of the most popular sites, married men make up 90 percent of the fan base. What a mess.
Men, finally fed up with community property laws that give women half their money and all of their kids (some of whom are other men’s kids they’ve been bamboozled into raising), have now closed ranks in agreement that what’s really going on is just a raging lack of accountability.
These proponents of trad marriage also break down single motherhood, with percentages and research that point to a bleak, not-too-distant future in which many unmarried women will become homeless.
‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’
“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is intended to be a dark comedy about Linda (Rose Byrne), a single mother whose life is falling apart for a host of reasons.
Her daughter (Delaney Quinn) has a mysterious stomach disorder (she refuses to eat) and must be fed through a tube, and the contents have to be fastidiously weighed and mixed for proper ratio. Her daughter is mostly kept off-camera, which has the effect of highlighting the degree to which most modern children are overindulged, spoiled, intolerant, and ungrateful.
Linda’s husband, Charles (Christian Slater, also off-camera), is mainly absent, and when the couple does speak, it’s endless bickering. On top of that, Linda’s a therapist and responsible for keeping her patients with their first-world problems (these are all vax-and-booster-obsessed, microaggression-suffering types) from going insane. One male teen client tells Linda he’s not responsible for his dreams in which she insists on kissing him (that’s funny).
As if all that weren’t enough stress, Linda’s bedroom ceiling collapses due to a busted water pipe, and the house is flooded. Now Linda has to navigate the repairs with her spotty English-speaking Indian landlord and has to move into a motel in the interim.
Per the practice of most therapists, Linda sees her own therapist (Conan O’Brien, in a revelatory non-comedic role). She whines incessantly, and he eventually gets annoyed as she blatantly and repeatedly disregards professional and personal boundaries.
At the motel, Linda reluctantly befriends James (A$AP Rocky), the motel superintendent, who functions as a further form of therapy. He’s the missing man who willingly listens to her nonstop problems. That’s good, but men are by nature fixers, and part of his fixing is to help Linda get drugs. She also steals wine from the motel refrigerator.
James provides emotional comfort to her daughter. However, similar to her therapist situation, Linda’s chaotic behavior eventually drives James up a wall.
‘Marty Supreme’
“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is more or less the female version of 1993’s “Falling Down.” Michael Douglas plays a single dad in that film, who, over the course of the day, has to deal with situations, like being robbed by gang members, and takes matters (and firearms) into his own hands. “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is similarly about compounded problems that lead to burnout.The film intends to be a noble, unflinching look at the heroic load single mothers carry. The fact of the matter is that the woes inherent in single-motherhood are feminism’s carefully camouflaged minefields finally and inevitably detonating and blowing the legs off American women.
Single motherhood was never intended to constitute a noble undertaking. It was intended to facilitate the eventual destruction of humanity. Traditional marriage, down through the ages, combined the complementary properties of male and female, Yin and Yang, balancing each other, and embracing the differences, instead of setting the sexes against each other in order to divide and conquer.
