If there was a simple way to improve communication, commitment, intimacy, stability, and overall happiness in a marriage, who wouldn’t take advantage of it? Yet more than half of married people report that they don’t make use of this one, simple habit to bolster their relationship with their husband or wife.
The simple habit is continuing to regularly date your spouse even after marriage. A landmark study by W. Bradford Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew of the National Marriage Project found that regular date nights for married couples are associated with better relationships and lower divorce rates when compared with those couples who don’t date.
Drawing from past data, the study noted that 83 percent of wives and 84 percent of husbands who had frequent dates were very happy in their marriages, while the couples who did not have frequent date nights reported lower levels of happiness in the marriage (68 percent for women, 70 percent for men). The frequent-daters also displayed more stability in their relationship—this group was 14 percentage points more likely to say that divorce wasn’t a likely part of their future.
How Continued Dating Improves Marriages
Biba Kayewich
Building on these results, Wilcox and Dew set about breaking down the benefits of an ongoing dating life. They identified five areas of impact.
Communication: By carving out time and space free from children, work, and other responsibilities and distractions, couples are more free to discuss the things that matter to them. Hopes, dreams, joys, disappointments, and challenges can all be addressed in a constructive and unifying way. Wilcox and Dew wrote, “A date represents time to reinforce mutual pursuits and aspirations.” Continued communication and openness help the spouses feel united and understand each other better, including the ways that they and their relationship change over time.
Novelty: Unfortunately, the human tendency to grow calloused to the familiar applies to marriages as much as any other aspect of life. We quickly adapt to the routine of marriage, losing sight of the magic and thrill of living side by side with our beloved. We can even become so habituated to our spouse that we no longer see them with the eyes of love—they just blend into the gray background of life.
Dating—especially dating in new and exciting ways—can help overcome this problem of familiarity and routine. According to Wilcox and Dew, research found that engaging in novel activities with your spouse improves the relationship. This research stands as an invitation to couples to branch out from the standard “movie and a dinner” date to new experiences such as dancing, stargazing, or games.
Eros: Continuing to date your spouse and making the effort to see them as the attractive, exciting, and unique person that they are nurtures the flame of romance. Treating your spouse as someone special helps you to remember that they are special. Through this simple habit, you more readily see your spouse the way you did when you first began courting, when all of their beautiful traits first caught your attention—and your breath. Couples who regularly date express greater satisfaction with their marital intimacy than those who don’t.
Commitment: Frequent dating proclaims to yourselves and to the world that you and your spouse are committed to one another, dedicated to deepening and preserving your relationship through the joys and sorrows of life, decade after decade. It’s unsurprising that greater commitment and loyalty to your other half is associated with greater happiness in marriage. Other research has shown that commitment within a marriage is a better predictor of happiness and stability than perfect compatibility between spouses. In other words, marriages are often what we make of them, and commitment can overcome differences between husband and wife.
A lead researcher on one such study, Samantha Joel, noted: “The person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build. ... It really seems that having a great relationship is less about finding the perfect partner or changing your current partner, and more about building that relationship itself—setting up the conditions that will allow the relationship to flourish.”
De-stress: Wilcox and Dew argue that stress is one of the biggest threats to a marriage. Whatever the source—finances, health, children—it can put a strain on the spouses and lead to negative attitudes and behaviors. For this reason, too, it’s important to have regular dates, properly partitioned from the “everyday life” of childrearing or work, with its accompanying worries. An enjoyable time with one’s spouse is an excellent means of relieving stress, and thus protects the marriage.
There are certainly other reasons that date nights strengthen marriages. It may also be true that couples with happier marriages tend to have more dates, not the other way around. However, Wilcox and Dew conclude that “marital happiness and date nights mutually reinforce one another to the benefit of the relationship.”
Overcoming Obstacles
With all that said, many couples find it difficult to keep up a dating life on a practical level. Finances, work, and childcare responsibilities tend to interfere. The burdens of keeping a household and family quickly devour the hours of the day, the days of the week, the weeks of the year—and no dates have taken place.
But take courage. These challenges can be overcome. First, the work of Wilcox and Dew shows that the benefits of post-marriage dating begin to kick in even if you find time for only one or two dates per month. With a little scheduling, almost every couple can carve out a few hours per month to dedicate to their relationship. All it requires is intentionality.
Second, financial constraints don’t have to limit your dating life. I’ve written before about inexpensive date ideas, and a little creativity will help you come up with dozens more. In fact, your first date could consist of grabbing drinks together and brainstorming date ideas within your budget. As research has shown, thinking outside the box (and outside the bank) will actually benefit your relationship by providing novelty that keeps the relationship fresh. Almost any activity can become an enjoyable date when undertaken with a positive mindset alongside the person you love most.
Walker Larson
Author
Prior to becoming a freelance journalist and culture writer, Walker Larson taught literature and history at a private academy in Wisconsin, where he resides with his wife and daughter. He holds a master's in English literature and language, and his writing has appeared in The Hemingway Review, Intellectual Takeout, and his Substack, The Hazelnut. He is also the author of two novels, "Hologram" and "Song of Spheres."
