5 Conversations Every Couple Needs to Have for a Stronger Marriage

When couples talk openly and empathetically about the right things, they protect their relationships and have happier, more resilient marriages.

Good communication holds relationships together. Biba Kayewich

“Communication is the mortar that holds a relationship together,” according to relationship expert Amy Bellows.

Just like a building without mortar, a marriage without communication slowly crumbles. Communication keeps spouses in sync with one another, united in their priorities, goals, and values, and simply, more connected in heart and mind.

Some types of conversations take priority over others, however. The deeper the conversation, the deeper the connection. And some topics—while they may not be deep in themselves—are still essential for the smooth running of the family life and can give opportunities for strengthening the marriage bond. Many misunderstandings and even wounds arise in a marriage from failure to communicate. As these misunderstandings compound over time and communication continues to languish, they can wear away at the marriage and slowly form a barrier between spouses until they end up living parallel yet separate lives.

On the other hand, psychologists and researchers have found that talking about certain topics on a regular basis is both an indication of and a means to a healthy relationship.

Here are five topics that are important for married couples to talk about, with a few words about how to approach them.

1. The Relationship Itself

Psychologist Mark Travers, who studies couples and relationships, says couples in healthy relationships make an effort to discuss the state of the marriage itself. These couples intentionally ask one another their perception of the relationship. Each spouse wants to know whether the other one feels loved, respected, supported, and connected. Such conversations offer a great opportunity to work through issues before they metastasize into serious problems. They also bolster the relationship and mutual trust because they demonstrate that each spouse is genuinely committed to preserving and enhancing the marriage.

Similarly, couples’ therapist Lynda Spann recommends discussing “relationship agreements,” which are promises or commitments that couples have made together, such as, “We’ll always put our relationship first.”

Spann wrote: “Discuss your purpose as a couple. What promises do you need to make and keep to be happy and secure?”

2. Parenting Philosophy

If a couple has children currently or will have them in the future, it’s essential for them to come to a common understanding of parenting. Couples can reflect on their own upbringing and analyze together which aspects of their own prior family life they wish to emulate and which ones they choose to depart from. Parents need to share a vision of the type of family culture they want to build and their overall goals for the formation of children. Only then can they function as an effective team for the good of the kids; only then can they fully “have each other’s back.”

3. Goals, Dreams, and Plans

Alongside envisioning how they want to raise their children, couples should also plan for and daydream about other future goals, whether that be building an addition, traveling to a foreign country, or making a career shift. Marriage involves the most intimate sharing of life possible between two persons. And part of shared life means shared vision and values. When couples align their ideas of the future, it can only strengthen that core unity in life and love between them.

Even far-fetched dreams can be worth talking about, according to Travers. Spouting off wild dreams and what-if scenarios is just plain fun, and it helps couples learn more about each other.

Travers wrote, “Even if a dream can’t be acted on right away, talking it over allows them to keep track of each other’s values.”

Greg Smalley, writing for Focus on the Family, categorized these types of discussions as “life-giving.”

“Life-giving conversations are about getting to know your partner better and strengthening the bonds between you,” he explained. “They’re playful and affirming. They express gratitude and demonstrate curiosity. Ask your spouse questions you’ve never asked before. Unpack hopes and dreams.”

4. Finances and Logistics

Financial planning plays an integral role in the stability of a household and a marriage. One poll found that 25 percent of married adults argue frequently with their spouse about money. This friction can be at least partly forestalled through better communication about money, including financial priorities. When husband and wife agree on financial matters, a lot of trouble can be avoided. Couples should consider together questions such as: Are our financial needs being met? Do we need to adjust (or create) our budget? What larger expenses do we need to save for? What financial goals do we have?

This conversation falls under the heading of “administrative” meetings, according to Smalley. These conversations aren’t necessarily deep, but they are critical. Talking about money, logistics, scheduling, and other matters that require concrete action helps facilitate smooth sailing within the household—potentially preventing the snippy little arguments that can arise from unexpected wrinkles in the day’s activities or larger conflicts over the state of the family finances.

5. Challenges and Fears

Deep connection often develops from vulnerability. Opening up to one’s spouse about fears or concerns you have isn’t easy, yet it often breaks open new vistas within the relationship. One spouse can comfort, support, and advise the other, and both spouses experience a sense of deepening trust and unity.

“Over time, this daily practice of being emotionally honest builds a rock-solid sense of safety,” Travers wrote. “Both partners will never feel like they have to carry their baggage alone.”

Likewise, facing up to problems—whether within the marriage itself or external to it—provides unparalleled opportunities for growth, even if it comes with growing pains. Smalley rightly pointed out that conversations that take place when there’s hurt between spouses or when one of them is dealing with loss need to happen.

“Conversations connected to challenges can help us to grow, both as individuals and as a couple. They can expose our blind spots or lead us to make important and necessary changes in our lives,” he wrote.

Sometimes, wounds must be addressed before healing can occur.

How to Talk About Important Subjects in a Marriage

Conversation is an art too little taught. With regard to all the subjects above, skill in communication will make interactions more fruitful and assist in bolstering the marriage. Some subjects, in particular, require great delicacy—such as addressing a problem within the marriage itself. A few points should be kept in mind as spouses communicate with each other.

The first point is to always keep the good of one’s spouse in mind. That’s what we vow to do on our wedding day—to promote the other’s welfare, even when that entails painful sacrifice. Important conversations ought to be rooted in this realization and this remembrance of the wedding vows. Even critical comments ultimately aim not at degrading the other person but at resolving difficulties so the marriage can grow like a plant unencumbered by shade. The aim is always to protect and develop the relationship.

Smalley explains this in terms of speaking with “grace.” Conversing with grace involves not just what a person says but also what they don’t say—in other words, how they listen. Active listening ensures that both spouses feel heard and understood, which is the prerequisite for fruitful and meaningful talk. According to Harvard Business Review, active listening involves three parts:

The listener should give all their attention to the information, both explicit and implied, conveyed by the conversational partner.

A good listener must maintain emotional balance, without overreacting or judging hastily what the other person says.

It’s not enough to listen; each conversational partner needs to know they’re being heard. A good listener makes this clear through verbal and nonverbal cues.

Especially when couples discuss their goals, dreams, and interests, it helps when both spouses express excitement and interest. Nothing douses enthusiasm like a lack of interest. Spouses can show their love and care for one another by expressing interest in what the other person cares about.

The above lists of topics and tips are far from exhaustive—many other subjects deserve attention, and the art of conversing well can’t be encapsulated in just a few paragraphs. But I hope these suggestions help encourage couples to think more intentionally about what they discuss and how. Commitment to communication helps couples achieve the kind of closeness and love they long for.