If two children are told they are not allowed to play video games during dinner, one might believe he is being punished by an unloving parent. The other child might believe this is just the rule of the family and it does not equate to any kind of rejection. Clearly, the first child is going to have a strong negative emotional reaction and the second won’t. The difference is not that one is more fragile, but that they interpreted their parents differently.
Once we realize that what we say isn’t always what the other person hears, communication becomes much easier. The first child heard a powerful rejection, and his emotional response was completely appropriate to what he thought was happening. The parent does not challenge the child’s emotional response by saying he shouldn’t be upset. Instead, the parent inquires about the meaning and challenges that. It can look like this:
Parent: “Put away that game until after dinner.”
Child: “No! You never let me have fun! (crying)”
Parent: “Do you think I don’t care about whether you have fun?”
Child: “Of course you don’t, or you would let me play.”
Parent: “I really want you to understand that you having fun is important to me. The reason I’m saying no games is that I want us to enjoy dinner together and feel connected. I’m not sure I’m saying it clearly, so please let me know what you heard me say.”
Child: “You want us to feel connected.”
Parent: “Yes, and I also said that you having fun is important to me.”
Child: “OK. I get it.”
By challenging the meaning, it is possible to help children cope better emotionally without telling them that their feelings are invalid.
Tim Desmond is a therapist in private practice in Oakland, Calif., and the director of a mental health day treatment program for children. This article was originally published on NaturalPapa.com
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