What I discovered was that my mind was generating a whole campaign that explained why my husband was wrong in a recent argument, and of course, why I was right. My thoughts were very clear and concise, quite convincing in their case for my rightness and my version of the truth.
Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a conflict with someone, you spend a lot of time defending your side of the story in your mind, making your case for why you’re right? We go over and over why the other person is to blame, and what the truth is. We present our case to an imaginary jury, in an imaginary court.
So, what’s the point of all that effort? What are we hoping will happen if our imaginary jury deems our version of the truth to be correct? We actually do all of that “proving” to and for ourselves. We use the narration of our rightness, the internal defense of our truth, as a way to stay away from what we actually feel.
Our thoughts, particularly our thoughts about why we’re right, cause us not to feel our true feelings.
But when we stop engaging in our self-defense, something interesting and wonderful happens: We can enter the present moment. When I stopped paying rapt attention to my inner narrative, I was again suddenly noticing the wind, the trees, the dogs, and the sky. I was back in the park; I was back in my life.
When I came home that night, having chosen not to spend the day strengthening my mind’s case for my rightness and my husband’s wrongness, I could then meet my husband in that new moment. I could hit the reset button. Because I had chosen not to cling to an old story, something new and unexpected happened: I could feel differently, and he could feel differently—we could be different. Without a prewritten truth, life could change and evolve.
Then, instead of diving into your mind’s defensive narrative, use your awareness to inquire into your experience—how you really feel and how you’re coping with those feelings. Simultaneously, see if, without your narrative, the situation and people in it have more space to shift and evolve. And observe if you are also, in the moment, more present, more open, and more aware. Most importantly, when you stop telling yourself what’s true, notice if a new truth can actually emerge.
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