It’s not unusual for people who are traumatised to be annoyed with themselves for not being able to get themselves better. It is a part of the post trauma reaction. The thing is, this mild annoyance regularly becomes nastiness, self-hatred and inner brutality. This is the worst atmosphere within which to recover.
In June 2011 I was assaulted by my partner of 4 years, and that day changed my life irrevocably. I was physically injured and emotionally decimated. It wasn’t just the assault that created this devastation; it was the prolonged stress of being in a relationship with someone who was incredibly unkind at best and at worse, a violent thug. Truth is, I was a specialist in post-traumatic stress and I ended up with it. How ridiculous I felt on every level. This experience of “losing my mind”, however, was the beginning of me finding my life’s work. And I am happier for it.
My Realisation
My business, Kindness Incorporated®, was founded because I allowed myself to realise that all inner brutality led to more suffering. I was afraid if I dropped the brutality, my personal standards and moral compass would slip, but in fact the opposite was true. I didn’t want to feel the devastation I felt so, I set (as is easy in the UK) to the task of brutalising myself: “silly me for becoming traumatised”, “silly me for not seeing it coming”, “silly me for not getting better more quickly”. Before long that didn’t “hurt” enough, so worse still it became “shame upon me for ‘inviting’ this into my life and not having the sense to avoid it”. Pretty harsh I know. Who would wish shame upon themselves, and cause paralysis? Believe it or not it’s incredibly commonplace.
All shame, if overwhelming, is paralysing. So, when inner negativity leads to brutality you paralyse and entrap yourself. What you need is to be able to feel how you feel and move through it. Punishing yourself for being in the agony in the first place keeps you stuck.
