Yesterday at dinner, one of my children was sad and irritated. She was offended by our mere existence.
Like many young people around the world, this is a kid who has weathered some deep disappointments in the last couple of months. She was studying at an art school, a once-in-a-lifetime semester program, when COVID-19 hit. Classes aren’t the same when you don’t have the materials, studio, and equipment you need for printmaking, sculpture, and developing your film.
It turned out that my irritable art student had just been dealt a new disappointment: Her first real art show had been canceled. There’d be no way for her to demonstrate to her friends and family that she’s crossed over from being a creative little kid who liked art into a full-fledged, real-life artist. Her identity is different now than it was a year ago, a fact that would have been made concrete with a gallery opening and show. That rite of passage would have allowed us to better see her as she now sees herself.
These important ceremonies that say, “Look at you! You’re growing up! We’re so proud of you!” have been canceled, leaving kids with no closure. Rites of passage have vanished into thin air. Even as they feel grateful for their health and sorry that the world is suffering the way it is, Generation Z feels cheated. Their losses are tangible to them. And so they’re grieving.
1. Acknowledge Their Loss
Some “stepping up” ceremonies are so abstract (and, I’ll just say it, tedious for their audiences) that their importance for our kids doesn’t always register with us adults.It’s true that their disappointment about not going to prom or having graduation is trifling compared to the tragedies that thousands of families are facing right now. Many people have lost family members whom they didn’t get to say goodbye to, loved ones who died alone and terrified in an ICU.
And it’s also true that our kids’ losses and their resulting grief is real. Most of them don’t have the life experience that would help them put something like a canceled prom into perspective. Discounting their very real frustration and sadness will only make them feel worse. We adults can help them feel better by acknowledging both their losses, and also their feelings about the loss.
2. Name Their Feelings
If you’re raising or teaching teenagers, you already know that adolescents experience their emotions much more intensely than adults. This is normal and appropriate—and it can be distressing to us as adults. To be truly empathic, we need to listen without trying to fix or take away their grief. “I feel so frustrated!” my art school kid said before bursting into tears. “Looks like you’re also feeling really sad,” I replied, pulling her in for a hug.Helping kids identify what they are feeling can, ironically, ease their pain. This is the “name it to tame it” technique. Research shows that when we label our emotions, we are better able to integrate them. If your adolescent starts telling you a story about an imagined future—perhaps bringing up worst-case scenarios in which they aren’t able to go off to college—gently bring them back to what they are feeling right now, about the current disappointment.
3. Teach Them About Grief
You may recognize that your teenager is grieving, but your teenager probably doesn’t. Though Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s seminal work on grief was originally about the way that we cope with death and dying (which is, unfortunately, relevant to many people as they lose family members to the coronavirus), her later work with David Kessler is relevant to more common losses, like canceled proms and graduations.There is power in naming what teens are experiencing as grief; it helps them acknowledge and validate their own experience. Kübler-Ross and Kessler detailed five “stages” of grief. Because we don’t often progress through these stages in a linear way, I think of these as five typical human experiences we tend to have when we endure a loss. They are:
4. Help Them Find Meaning
Kessler has continued the work on grief that he started with Kübler-Ross, recently adding a sixth stage: meaning. Meaning comes from the light we find in dark times. It might come from the gratitude we feel for our family or a sense of awe that overcomes us on a hike. And, often, meaning comes from helping others.As we approach what is likely to be a long summer for our kids (mine all had jobs and plans that are now in question) we can ask them: “How can you be helpful to others during this time? How can you channel your frustration and anger?” Our questions may or may not spark something in them. They may not be ready or able to find meaning.
Whether or not they see it now, meaning will likely come from simply enduring this difficult time. These kids—even the full-grown ones who are now living with us again—are getting a crash course in dealing with discomfort and disappointment.
While it’s true that a joyful life comes from positive emotions, it also comes from resilience—from having the tools needed to cope with life’s inevitable difficulties and painful moments. The silver lining for this generation is that. Like it or not, they are gaining the skills they need to cope with difficulty. Fortunately, these are skills that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
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