Puck:
Captain of our fairy band,
Helena is here at hand,
And the youth, mistook by me,
Pleading for a lover’s fee.
Shall we their fond pageant see?
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
“A Midsummer Nights Dream,” Act 3, scene 2, 110–115
I thought of the quote above, recited by the impish Shakespearean character Puck from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” recently, not only because summer is finally upon us, but after reading an article in The New York Times about a new Dunkin’ Donuts’ bacon and egg sandwich that, absurdly enough, is served between two glazed donuts.
Now, the article wasn’t about Dunkin’ Donuts. It was about why human beings repeatedly fail at making healthy food choices. The article got me thinking not just about inner dietary demons, but also about other actions we humans take that aren’t always in our best interest, like continuing to see someone who drinks too much on a first date, or getting angry at a close friend whom you feel has ignored you, or indulging yourself after getting a big bonus, even when you know you have debt.
Time after time, we humans, rational beings though we claim to be, act like fools, relying entirely on our emotions to guide us and making decisions not from a calm, reasoned place, but from a place of fear, anxiety, jealousy, or impulsive desire. We do things capriciously and later justify our behavior with rationalizations to make ourselves feel better.
“Well, we were out at a bar, and neither of us had to work the next day so, it didn’t seem so bad that he had two beers and two cocktails on our first date.”
“Sure, she’s my best friend, and she’s been there for me, but it’s wrong that she hasn’t called to check in on me lately. I mean, I told her a million times that I’m home with the flu. She’s so selfish.”
“It’s true that I have credit card debt, but it’s my first big bonus, and I’ve been working hard the last two months so, I can afford to blow it on a fancy bottle of champagne and a steak tonight.”
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[tok id=95a9bf07dbbb63080ac39da4ad3eb805 partner=1966]How can we fight the impulse to let our emotions—the child-like part of ourselves—dictate our actions? The one thing we don’t want to do is metaphorically hit or punish the child part of ourselves, and tell him he’s bad and needs to stop being demanding.
Treating your emotions as if they’re bad children doesn’t work because, like children, telling ourselves to stop feeling what we’re feeling, only makes us more sad, angry, hurt, or confused, which causes us to act out in worse ways later.
No, the tact to take is to listen to your child—in this case your emotions—and figure out what they really want or how you can appease them, responsibly, without allowing them to cause harm to themselves or others.
The dialogue you might have with your emotions might sound something like this,
“I know you’ve been feeling lonely, and I know you want to go out with that guy again, but he was drinking a lot, and that’s not really good for you. Why don’t we go out somewhere fun—that’s not all about drinking—to find someone who’s a better fit?”
“I know your friend made you mad, but before you yell, think about the times she’s been there for you. Maybe you’re more easily upset right now because you’re sick. How about I make you your favorite dish and then let’s call her after you’re feeling better.”
“Yes, it would be fun to celebrate your big raise, and I know initially you’d feel happy. But how are you going to feel a month from now when that credit card bill comes and that debt’s still there? Let’s set aside half of the bonus for later, and when the credit card debt is paid off, then you can really enjoy it.”
In other words, you’ve got to be a loving parent to your feelings. Don’t indulge them or give in to their every whim, but also don’t condemn them simply for wanting what they want.
Which reminds me, what do you think happened to the person in The New York Times story who ate the Dunkin’ Donuts glazed donut, egg, bacon sandwich because they let their emotions run away with them?
My guess is that the person is headed for a serious tummy ache ... right about now.
Dr. Wylie Goodman is a licensed, clinical psychologist who works with English speakers worldwide via Skype and in person in her office in New York City. Her practice, East-West Psychotherapy & Coaching, specializes in integrating Buddhist-based approaches to mental wellness with Western methodologies grounded in cognitive-behavioral and existential theories. www.east-westpsychotherapy.com
