Likability Is a Skill, Not a Trait

Being more likable is a skill that can be cultivated.

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We all crave status.

We want people to look up to us rather than down their noses at us. We want to be respected, admired, and loved by the people whose opinions matter to us.

Such desires, like all human passions, can either work for you and inspire you to become a better person or turn cancerous and turn you into a very bad person indeed.

If you’re going to pursue status—and let’s be honest, we’re all doing it—then how you do it matters.

Here are two contrasting approaches:

1. Pursuing status by cultivating a more likable personality. Improving your character typically leads to becoming more attentive, self-aware, and empathetic toward others.

2. Chasing status through having money. The pursuit of wealth often tends to push people in the direction of ruthlessness and self-importance, even when they start with good intentions.

Most people would prefer the former—having a likable personality. Oddly, however, many people continue to pursue status through the dangerously alluring traits of money, beauty, and prestige, which seem to attract attention and power—much different types of love and respect.

If status is a means to be respected and loved by people we care about—doesn’t becoming likable seem like a more direct path? Why bother with status games? Perhaps we can opt out of the whole game and allow people to like us for who we are. The game part—trying to accumulate “points” in one area that we can trade in for friends—is just silly.

Perhaps the heart of the problem is that people view being likable as a fixed trait rather than a skill that can be developed. Money, beauty, and power are well-worn paths toward status. There are clear prizes, known milestones, and ways to invest your resources to climb up the leaderboard.

Being a likable person might feel like something you’re born with or without.

Thankfully, likability is a collection of behaviors and mindsets that can be developed with intentional effort.

6 Cultivatable Components of a Likable Personality

Likability is a skill—not a trait. We can develop skills by breaking them into components and practicing. You will naturally receive real-world feedback from the people around you. Just watch how they react, and you’ll learn if you’re on the right path.

1. Take a Genuine Interest in People

There is something a little weird, extreme, or unique to be discovered about everyone if you dig deep enough. Most have an interesting story to share about how they got to where they are. Some have a surprising passion that you’d never guess from the outside. Make it your mission to uncover these gold nuggets, and you’ll never be bored by anyone again.

2. Add Energy to the Room

Most people blend in, matching the room’s energy and waiting for others to “make something happen.” It doesn’t take all that much effort to be a leader in this area. Learn to rally the troops, liven up the room, or break the ice, and you will become a valuable friend.

3. Ditch Your Phone and Your Self-Importance

Many of us have developed a bad habit of turning to our phones every time we’re bored. We’ve become easily distractible and hyperfocused on our own interests—which naturally spills into our conversations. Anyone who focuses on others rather than on their phones and self-importance is seen as charismatic in this crazy world we live in.

4. Put Yourself in the Shoes of Others

One of the deepest emotional needs of humans is to feel that others understand you—that they “get” you. Think of those magical moments when someone said something that exactly captured a feeling or thought you had. You instantly felt drawn to that person. By regularly considering how others might be feeling, you can create more of these bonding moments than you thought possible.

5. Be Reliable and Present

Many people in the world are great to have around for a good time, but you wouldn’t call them up when things get hard or when you really need help. Genuine likability, the kind that goes deeper than the surface, is cultivated by being the type of person who can deliver in both good and bad times.

6. Putting Others at Ease

I saved this one for last, but it might very well be the most important component of likability. The people we want to spend our time with are those who draw us out in ways that others can’t because we feel comfortable and safe in their presence. It’s not just that they say nice things or agree with us—it’s that we know they actually want the best for us—and know how to deliver words in a way that we can receive them.