How to Stop Bullying Yourself

Have you been listening to an inner bully speaking inside your head? We all have them, but they can be tamed.

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Suzi, 56, exudes the polished confidence of a successful businesswoman. But beneath the surface, a relentless inner critic whispers: “Nothing you do is good enough. No one likes you.”

These cruel thoughts, a secret even from her husband, echo a lifetime of trauma. After losing her mother at age 9, Suzi endured years of abuse in China from her alcoholic father, who later died by suicide.

She channeled her pain into outward success while a “mind bully” consumed her self-worth. Her subsequent imprisonment for practicing Falun Gong only amplified the voices in her head. Even now, living in the United States, her trauma lingers.

Suzi’s story reveals how trauma can twist our need for connection into self-criticism, a common survival mechanism but one that, with healing, can be overcome.

Where Does the ‘Mind Bully’ Come From?

An inner critic lives within each of us, ostensibly trying to help by pointing out our flaws. However, when this voice becomes exaggerated and relentless, it can transform into what Jennifer Fraser, a Canadian academic and author, calls a “mind bully.” She describes the mind bully in her book “The Bullied Brain.”

Internal bullying often stems from trauma—physical or emotional wounds that affect body, mind, and spirit. Without trauma, the “mind bully” does not develop.

When someone experiences bullying or abuse, he or she may internalize the harmful messages, creating an inner voice that perpetuates the trauma even after the abuse ends.

“Trauma is not just what happened to us,” Dr. Gabor Maté, a trauma expert and renowned author of “When the Body Says No,” wrote. “It’s more about the impact within us related to what happened or neglected to happen to us.”

Social withdrawal and self-isolation are common consequences of traumatic incidents, according to research. However, while they are adaptive methods in the short term, they are not healthy.

“Your brain interprets isolation as a very dangerous and risky kind of health crisis,” Fraser told The Epoch Times, adding that the internal critic can trigger stress responses similar to responses to physical threats.

The resulting shame, anxiety, and low self-esteem of such stress responses can prevent people from expressing their authentic selves.

The inner bully isn’t speaking truth—it’s a learned response to trauma that can be overcome.

“When a former victim speaks up,” Fraser said, “she expresses power and independence from the past trauma.”

How to Stop Internal Bullying

The best approach to quieting the mind bully is to acquire new coping tools and establish healthy, positive self-care routines.

Experts say that if you have some of the symptoms of psychological trauma, such as harsh self-criticism or ruminating thoughts, and want to change how you relate to yourself and others, it is possible to do so.

“Our brains are wired to repair and recover just like our bodies are,” Fraser said.

It’s first essential to recognize that we might have an unseen injury in the form of past trauma. While it may not be visible to the naked eye, advanced technologies such as EEGs or MRIs can reveal the impact on the brain.

Fraser advocates many self-help strategies that we have within us.

Get Out of Your Head and Move Your Body

Think of the motto “mood follows movement” to lift yourself out of negative thoughts.

“We are bombarded by a cortisol influx all the time,” Fraser told The Epoch Times.

Aerobic exercise is especially good for making the brain resistant to cortisol, as it lowers this stress hormone.

Research indicates that aerobic exercise increases a special compound in the brain called brain-derived neurotrophic factor. It helps grow new brain cells, helping with neuroplasticity, which is how the brain changes and adapts. Whatever form it takes that feels good for you, such as walking, dancing, jogging, or biking, will be of benefit. Playing sports is especially good for its social advantages.

Talk to Yourself Like a Friend

What would you say to a friend who is having a tough time or has experienced a setback?

Compare that with how you have been talking to yourself. Then, start afresh, using kind words that you might use with a friend.

Research suggests that self-compassion is a healthier way of responding to harsh self-criticism and perfectionist tendencies. Self-compassionate people tend to persist in working toward their goals even after failing or being reminded of their shortcomings. Other studies show that self-compassionate people are also less stressed and have lower levels of negative moods.

Are your expectations realistic?

Before you put yourself down as being “unworthy,” it’s good to question whether that is really true or realistic. Are you comparing yourself with others for significant meaning in your life? We all have our own unique sets of experiences and circumstances, so comparison is usually not accurate or helpful.

Distance Yourself From the Mind Bully

1. Mindfulness or meditation is another method for taming the internal bully. Fraser said that these methods, practiced in Eastern cultures for thousands of years, are “really good for your brain,” adding, “The brain science has caught up to it to say, yes, indeed, they were right.” She suggests that people try some of the free practices available online.
2. Naming the bully helps separate the negative things you say to yourself from who you are at your core. My bully, “Miss Perfect,” is extremely critical. She is an expert at catastrophizing, turning small negative events into the imagined worst possible outcome.
3. Write a note to yourself. Find a quiet place where you can write uninterrupted for 10 to 15 minutes. Identify something you are struggling with. Imagine that you are a close friend or family member who loves and accepts you just as you are. Write to yourself with the same understanding, compassion, and acceptance. Acknowledge that setbacks are a normal part of life. Think about constructive, supportive things that you can do to feel happier and healthier.

Keep Learning–Your Brain Seeks Knowledge

Fraser advised that we don’t stop learning.

“It’s really important for the brain, which is hungry for learning,” she said.

Online brain training programs are available for learning coping and communication skills.

According to Fraser, brain research suggests that culturally uplifting content is best. Choose sources and channels that promote kindness and give you joy or hope. Music, arts, architecture, language skills, books, and documentaries can show the miracles possible when humans strive to do good.

Suzi’s recovery after learning and regularly applying these strategies has brought her social skills to life. She now enjoys deep relationships and chooses not to listen when her mind bully occasionally rears its head.

As the English proverb says, “You may find the worst enemy or best friend in yourself.”