The ability to rise back up from heartbreak, trauma, or extreme disappointment is at the center of Jessica N. Turner’s book “I Thought It Would Be Better Than This: Rise from Disappointment, Regain Control, and Rebuild a Life You Love.” The title came up during a conversation that Turner had with friends.
After sharing her own heartbreaking story, Turner stated that she thought things would be better than this; her friends all replied that they, too, felt that same sentiment. Turner took that response as a sign to write this book.
“Chances are,” she says in the first chapter, “if you are reading this book, you have experienced something in life that went differently from the way you thought it would.”
A Marriage-Ending Confession
Maybe a job wasn’t what you thought it would be, or you had an unanticipated level of grief at the death of a loved one. Maybe financial hardship was dauntingly stressful and straining, or the challenges of parenting were not what you thought.In Turner’s case, it was the two words spoken by her husband of 16 years: “I’m gay.” Although the couple had been in counseling for a few months after he came out as “bi,” she had believed that they’d survive. Plus, she still loved him. Turner writes in loving terms how the couple faced the inevitable, and soon split and divorced, leaving Turner grieving and calling the experience her “heart’s deepest ache.”
There’s a positive tone to the book, however, as indicated by the front cover illustration of a broken rose stem taped back together. Sections of life dismantled by outside forces that no one saw coming can be restored through the lessons shared.
Turner’s life had moments when she felt broken. She had two choices: stay stuck in sorrow or rise like the phoenix. It wasn’t a conscious choice; she writes, “If my life was going to have to be made over, I was going to make it better.”
Release the Disappointment
Turner writes with a compassionate tone, no doubt from the experience she endured. In one exercise, she suggests that readers discover and list their disappointments. By doing so, these can be acknowledged and released, she says.There are six ways that the author suggests releasing disappointment. These include sharing your story with one close friend or confidante, writing it all down on paper, or allowing yourself to live with the mess of the pain for as long as you need to. Sweeping things under the rug and acting like all is well is not going to allow you to move on.
One passage that may resonate with readers speaks of making an “imperfect choice.” When one is faced with a challenge and unsure of how to decide, it’s not always apparent which choice is the right one. This fear should not put off a decision because of possible ramifications, or because there’s no guarantee of success.
Speaking the Truth to Get Unstuck
Part memoir, this book can be a valuable resource in helping readers feel more in control when having to do the painful work. In the chapter “Speaking the Words You Most Fear,” we see the havoc that occurs when avoiding the truth.“We have gotten comfortable with the status quo” is one way to rationalize staying stuck. We’re too focused on how others will react, or the cost, or our shame, or fearing that we’re creating more disappointment. This kind of thinking will never serve you well.
When considering dating again, with the potential of falling in love again, Turner made sure to fall in love with herself first. This came up after she was verbally attacked by someone with whom she was in a relationship. Rather than take it as she might have in the past, she stood up to him, saying that she loved herself before she loved anybody else.
Being in love with someone is a sacred experience, seeing that person as special and worthy of affection. By appreciating ourselves, being whole on our own, is how we “walk through disappointment and grief,” she writes.
Not Just Another Self-Help Book
Author of a handful of other books on self-improvement, Turner has also written for national magazines and newspapers. She offers a free course for readers who want to learn more about navigating disappointment and speaks on the topic at events across the country. We get the sense that this is more a labor of love than another self-help book. When readers get up-close-and-personal examples from the author’s own life, a sense of shared experience is created, making the recommendations more meaningful.A book club guide can be found at the end; it offers suggested questions and topics for discussion. Turner notes that she “loves to join book clubs via Zoom whenever possible” and invites readers to reach out to her with club information.
Recognizing that some of the suggestions may not come easy, she included one chapter dedicated to spirituality. Every day, she looks for something to feel blessed about: her home, her kids, even her tired body. Turner included a prayer she said she recites as needed, and part of it goes like this: “I know that better days are ahead, but today is not a better day. Today is a hard day.” And she asks for her spiritual guide to be with her in it.
