How to Raise Grateful Kids in a World of Entitlement

Thankfulness is more than just good manners—it’s the foundation for good character, health, and happiness.

Practicing acts of service together as a family encourages children to think about others. Biba Kayewich

Studies have shown that practicing gratitude makes for a better life. Positive emotions, better health, greater resilience, and stronger relationships all flow from practicing gratitude, according to Harvard Health Publishing. A grateful person and an ungrateful person might possess all of the same things on paper—a nice house, a happy family, good health—but grateful people are far more aware of all the good things they have, and as a result, they’re able to actually enjoy life and its blessings to a greater degree.

Moreover, gratitude has been recognized as one of the greatest virtues since ancient times, when Cicero wrote: “I wish to be adorned with every virtue, yet there is nothing which I can esteem more highly than the being and appearing grateful. For this one virtue is not only the greatest, but is also the parent of all the other virtues.”

Habits of gratitude ought to be planted in childhood so they can bloom in adulthood. The benefits of a grateful lifestyle kick in right away and also pave the way for a more successful adulthood. A leading scholar of gratitude, Robert Emmons, found that “kids who were more grateful than their peers at age ten were, by age fourteen, undertaking more community activities and were more socially integrated.”

With so many good fruits to be plucked from the tree of gratitude, parents may be wondering how they can best plant it in their children from an early age. Here are a few suggestions.

Model It

The most important way to develop gratitude in your children is to practice that gratitude yourself. This is the most powerful step parents can take. Emmons notes:

“There are a few studies looking developmentally with parents and kids. They find that the best predictor of a child’s gratitude is the mother’s or the father’s gratitude. Then, it’s the expression of gratitude within the family, so becoming a role model, and then encouraging gratitude, reinforcing gratitude when you see it in your children are some of the best ways in which you can raise a grateful child.”

This is, of course, easier said than done. But as I’ve written before, there are many ways for adults to strengthen their own sense of thankfulness, such as journaling about things they’re thankful for, engaging in meaningful activities, and experiencing great art. And of course, it’s important for parents to verbalize this gratitude in front of their children.

Start With Small Habits

We build every virtue through repeated actions that, over time, form habits. In the beginning, those actions are usually quite small, but they lay the foundation for more significant acts of virtue later on. Just as it’s impossible to lift 100 pounds if you don’t begin by lifting 10, gratitude training starts small and becomes more robust with time.

The simplest way to begin—and this can be done with very young children—is by insisting that children say “please” and “thank you.” “Please,” which is short for “if you please,” reminds children that they aren’t entitled to whatever they want, that their desires don’t automatically translate into reality. Often, that depends on the goodwill of someone else (normally the adults in their lives) who makes some kind of sacrifice in order to fulfill the child’s wish (even if it’s only a small one). Children need to be aware that the good things they have are the result of others’ charity and aren’t necessarily owed to them.

The connection between “thank you” and gratitude is obvious; again, this verbal expression, even if the child doesn’t think much about it, begins to train them not to ignore the adult as soon as the adult is no longer needed to fulfill the child’s desire. The child needs to recognize that he or she owes something in return—a debt of gratitude.

Another simple way for parents to begin fostering thankful habits in their children is to make them write thank-you notes to friends and relatives after receiving a gift. The time it takes to compose the note forces the child to think about the person who went out of their way to give the gift.

Encourage Them to Think About Others

Practicing acts of service together as a family encourages children to think about others. Biba Kayewich

In addition to writing thank-you notes, there are many other ways to instill an awareness of others in children, which can deepen their sense of gratitude. Research has shown that children whose mothers talk to them about other people’s emotions are more adept at perspective-taking skills and thinking about things from others’ points of view. That skill is important for empathy, which in turn can support gratitude. If we’re aware of what it costs someone else when they give us a gift or do us a service, we’re more likely to express gratitude.

An awareness of others is key because children (and often adults) naturally tend to prioritize themselves and their own needs and desires. In his research, Emmons found three effective ways to help children think of others and their role as “benefactors” in the child’s life:

Point Out Intentions. Remind children that the good things in their lives didn’t happen by accident; they were intentionally produced by someone.

Ask About Cost. Encourage children to consider what others gave up in terms of time, money, or comfort in order to benefit them.

Ask About Outside Help. In addition to being confident in their own abilities, children should also be reminded to recognize when they receive outside help in accomplishing something, such as homework or a project.

Distinguish Between Needs and Wants

On her website, The Thoughtful Parent, Amy Webb, who holds a doctorate in human development and family sciences, advises parents to explain to their children the difference between needs and wants. A nutritious dinner is a need, while another piece of cake is a want. Children very often struggle to see the distinction if this isn’t explained and reinforced.

Of course, the older the child is, the better they can understand these concepts, but even very young children can be introduced to them. As soon as my toddler began to talk and ask for things, my wife and I insisted that she use the appropriate wording: normally, “I want” instead of “I need.” Once again, the want/need distinction helps diminish the sense of self-centered entitlement, which seems to be native to human nature.

Practice Acts of Service Together

This suggestion combines elements from multiple previous ones. It models grateful behavior and also encourages children to think about the needs of others.

When parents engage in even small acts of service alongside their children, they send a powerful message that it’s a priority to attend to others’ needs, rather than just expect the world to arrange itself around our own selfish interests. Whether it’s working at a food bank, donating to charity, or simply helping out an elderly neighbor, charitable works reinforce in kids’ minds the necessity of giving back. And in giving back, they realize how much they have received (especially if adults point this out to them). That’s the root of gratitude.

It can be tiring and discouraging, at times, for parents to try to instill gratitude in a child who seems determined to get his or her way. But this work is among the most important for parents. The use of strategies such as the ones outlined here will consistently, over time, enhance a child’s sense of gratitude, which is one of the greatest gifts parents can bestow. And, someday, their children will be grateful for it.