Sincerity Matters: How to Make a Meaningful Apology

A genuine apology starts with fully owning up to your mistake. (Renae Wang)

A heartfelt apology soothes both sides and undoes the awkwardness or damage of whatever you’re apologizing for. A genuine “I’m sorry,” however, has several components.

Acknowledge

Use the word “I.” Own up to your mistake from the get-go: “I’m so sorry for ...” Avoid dumbing down the apology with passive euphemisms such as “mistakes were made” or “things went wrong.” Never try to joke away or otherwise brush off what you’ve done. At the same time, don’t go overboard; phrases like “I’m so terrible” only make everyone feel more awkward.

Whatever you do, don’t try to shift the blame. The exception to this is if you’ve made a heartfelt apology and the situation makes it critical—such as at work—to tell the apology recipient the whole story.

Express Remorse

Journalist and author Mignon McLaughlin summed it up best when she said, “True remorse is never just a regret over consequences; it is a regret over motive.” It’s about being vulnerable and letting the other person know that you feel bad about hurting them or letting them down and deeply wish you could undo it. Unlike regret—i.e., an airline regrets canceling a flight due to weather—actual remorse often leads to long-term behavioral changes that prevent hurting loved ones or letting down the boss in the future.

Make It Right

Think of what we teach our kids. If one child breaks another’s toy through negligence or willful action, not a genuine accident, we not only make them apologize, but also take money out of their allowance to buy a replacement toy. We teach them to provide restitution. Similarly, if someone’s feelings have been hurt, we need to show them that they are loved. If the matter is work-related, be ready to provide a viable solution or offer to work extra hours. When the fix isn’t clear, at the very least you should ask, “Is there anything I can to do make this up to you?”

How to Accept an Apology

A family member, friend, or co-worker has summoned up a lot of courage to own up to and accept their mistake. Don’t let it end with silence from your side. A simple “I accept your apology” is enough. If the situation is serious and you want to make a point, you can say, “I am hurt, but I forgive you.” If you’re not ready to move forward, you can opt for, “I hear your apology, thank you,” or “I accept your apology, but I need time.”

If the mistake they’re apologizing for has become a habit, address the matter. Don’t get upset and don’t be harsh, but do be clear.

When You Shouldn’t Apologize

Yes, there are actually times when you shouldn’t whip out a polite “sorry.” One is when you need to add vital information to a conversation. “I’m sorry, may I interrupt?” should actually be “Excuse me, may I interrupt?” If you’re late for a meeting, saying, “Sorry I’m late,” is negative, while, “Thank you for waiting,” acknowledges the other attendees’ patience. When delivering bad news, there’s a temptation to take the sting away by starting with an apology; this actually makes the news seem worse. Just spit it out.