Good habits can compel us when motivation does not, like well-trod steps that lead to success. Bad habits, meanwhile, can hold us in ruts that leave us repeating unwanted patterns.
Changing our habits is difficult. Even if we have some success, there are two problems that often come up when we want to develop new good habits.
First of all, our habit efforts get sidetracked. We don’t seem to have the conditions to repeat a new habit often enough for it to really take hold.
You feel like you are constantly in a state of transition, and life is always in flux. What you really want is a sense of stability and consistency, but you can’t seem to find it.
In this case, the common question is: how do I develop the discipline to be more consistent without all kinds of starts and stops and constant flux?
Or a second common problem could be that you’re doing relatively well, developing one habit after another, but then your life seems to be pretty full.
The question becomes: how do I fit all of these habits into my life? I want to exercise, meditate, cook healthy food, write, hike, and read every morning, but there’s just not enough time. Especially when you factor in eating, chores, showering, work, and so on.
So what do these two problems have in common? They might seem like two different problems: one person feels like everything is a mess, and the other just wants to find the right order for everything they’re trying to fit into their life.
The common factor is that things don’t feel like they’re in order, and there’s a sense of uncertainty and chaos/disorder that causes some anxiety/stress.
- Realize that this disorder and chaos is actually the norm for this process.
- Accept uncertainty and disorder, and relax into them.
- Stay with your intention despite the chaos. Keep pushing into the discomfort with it, going forward, while being compassionate for any missteps or interruptions.
Accepting the Disorder of Our Lives
When things are up in the air, it can feel like we’re in transition. “Once I get past this trip/project/illness/visit from my in-laws then everything will settle down!”This is the simple fact of our lives. And yet, we want order. We want simple answers. We want the perfect daily routine, the perfect set of habits, the smooth ride of a Japanese bullet train.
This desire for order, simplicity, consistency, and perfection in the face of the reality of disorder, complications, interruptions, and messiness is the cause of our anxiety. This is the root of our stress, frustration, and our disappointment with ourselves.
Things are always in transition. Things will always be messy and disordered.
And that’s not a problem.
It’s nothing to worry about.
How to Herd Cats
So we’re accepting, we’re relaxing, we’re enjoying the beauty of it all. Wonderful! Now what?How do we herd the disorder of our lives in some semblance of direction? How do we get the cats to go somewhere we’d like them to go?
If we accept that we’re herding cats and not running a bullet train, we can work with the chaotic nature of our lives. We know cats aren’t going to follow directions or go on a schedule. We know the nature of cats, and to expect them to act like a bullet train is ridiculous.
- Set an intention. Think of this as a direction you’d like to head in. You want your life to go in the direction of better health so you have an intention to take care of your health with exercise and a diet full of veggies.
- Start herding the cats in that direction. Intention is nothing without action. So start moving things in that direction—it might mean setting reminders, asking for support from family, putting notes to yourself around the house, having your running shoes next to your bed, finding a workout partner, finding some good healthy recipes, etc.
- Try to keep the cats going in the right direction. Continue to try to keep your intention, for as long as you can. Things will go astray (we’re herding cats here, c’mon), but for as long as you can, keep them going in the right direction. Keep adding more structure, reminders, accountability, rewards, etc.
- When things go astray (they will), don’t get bothered by it. It’s a part of the process. Relax into it, and just start again. Yep, you herd me (ha). Just start again, going back to Step 1.
It’s that simple. When things go astray, it’s not a problem. There’s never a problem, it’s all just beautiful chaos with a loving intention.
What about the 2nd person (from the beginning of this article), who wants to find the perfect order of habits and routines? They are herding the cats of their day—there isn’t a perfect order, it’s just continually experimenting, continually trying new habits, continually learning what works and what doesn’t. And what works this month might be different than last month.
And accept the limited time of each day. The hours are finite, even if your ambitions are not. You cannot do everything, so stop pretending you can and blaming yourself for falling short.
All you can really do is prioritize. Or try to.
Think of the habits, routines, tasks, and chores of your day/week as the cats you’re herding. They don’t want to be put in order. You can try to organize, which is totally fine, but just don’t stress too much about getting things in the right order, organized properly. Just herd the chaos of your day, with loving intention. Learn to love the flow, instead of wanting things to be set.
The wild flow of our lives is a thing of heartbreaking beauty and joy.
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