Why People Stay Stuck in Addiction

Helping a loved one begins by understanding the barriers to wellness.

Shame is one of the primary barriers preventing recovery. Bricolage/Shutterstock

My friend Tom called recently to share the news that his 36-year-old son, Adam, had died of vital organ failure due to a decade-long battle with alcoholism.

“I can’t count the times I told Adam to just stop drinking,” Tom said through tears. “I pleaded with him often, ‘Find the strength to overcome or it’s going to catch up with you in the worst way.'”

And tragically, it did.

As a mental health specialist for the past 35 years, I have heard painful experiences like this many times over. The details may be different, but the heartbreak is almost always the same.

Anyone who has suffered the anguish of watching someone they love succumb to an addiction will agree that it feels like being trapped in a disorienting and daunting carnival hall of mirrors. Once you step inside, your footing feels treacherous, the way forward is confusing, and the way out begins to feel impossible to find. Every turn only leads deeper into a maze of dead ends and trap doors.

Trying to know how to best help an addicted loved one can feel like a lonely, isolating pursuit—like you’re in the struggle all by yourself. But the fact is, millions of Americans are currently or have been in the same situation, concerned about the addiction of someone close to them.

Specifically, nearly half (46 percent) of U.S. adults have a family member or close friend who has been addicted to drugs. And that figure doesn’t account for other types of addictions that don’t involve substances. So the “addicted loved one” saga is likely experienced in some form by a majority of Americans.

These findings come from a Pew Research Center study that found that this issue cuts across gender, race, age, education level, and even partisan lines—meaning that almost no one is immune to having a family member or close friend who struggles with addiction.

Many times, friends and family members of someone battling addiction struggle to understand why the person can’t “just stop” or “find the strength to overcome,” as my friend Tom said. They might believe the problem could be overcome if the person tried harder, had more self-control, committed to abstinence, or prayed more fervently.

It’s true that tenacity, fortitude, and faith are essential for the individual seeking to overcome dependence on a substance or destructive behavior. Still, addiction is a deeply rooted problem with strong emotional undercurrents that keep many people stuck in their chronic compulsion.