I asked for her advice for parents at a time when we’re all craving more peace. Here’s what she said.
Peaceful parenting is about shared empowerment and rectifying power imbalances, whether it’s the parent overpowering (dominant, authoritarian parenting) or the parent being underpowered (permissive parenting). Peaceful parenting creates a space where the needs of the parent and child are valid, heard, and aimed to be understood, and collaborative solutions and agreements are created through communication. Which leads us to the second “P,” because in peaceful parenting, communication is the replacement for punishment.
We know what you’re thinking: Kids need consequences.
And you’re right, they do. But in peaceful parenting, we allow life’s consequences to help us teach our children accountability, autonomy, and responsibility. Instead of shaming them for their behavior, we guide them to take responsibility for and learn from their mistakes.
We don’t believe that it’s our role to prepare kids for the “real world” with ideas like “tough love.” Rather, our role is to be there for them when they experience the real world. We do this through teaching them logical consequences (if there’s a mess, we clean up the mess), over arbitrary consequences (if you don’t do your homework, you don’t get to see your friends).
Even though enforced consequences are a common practice in traditional parenting, they don’t teach children anything, other than that they should be compliant. Peaceful parenting looks beyond the traditional strategies of parenting that use fear, control, and manipulation to “get kids to behave,” to better prepare them for the ups and downs of life and to allow them to thrive as fulfilled and mature adults.
One of our core beliefs at The Jai Institute for Parenting is that all behavior is an indication of a need, and whether that need has been met or unmet. Even though this relates to our kids, we’re no exception to this as adults. Being a parent comes with constant challenges and pressures, and we’re bound to have our own “tantrums” due to unmet needs within ourselves. Even though peaceful parenting isn’t perfect, it does give us the tools and framework to better navigate through tough moments and show up as best as possible no matter the circumstance.
Most importantly, we model Repair, meaning that when we mess up, we take responsibility and model conscientious forgiveness so that our kids can learn this, too. All of us make mistakes. What matters is how we take responsibility for them.
So peaceful parenting is parenting without punishments, consequences, threats, bribes, or a need to yell at our kids to get them to hear us. We replace these tools of compliance with effective communication.
Little did I know that this promise would lead to a movement.
When I had children of my own, I struggled to be the parent I wanted to be, despite having read so many books. As a psychology major and certified life coach, I knew enough about human behavioral change to realize that wanting is different than doing and that information does not lead to transformation. This awareness sparked the beginnings of what is now The Jai Institute for Parenting.
I wrote the book because so many parents are longing to parent differently than the way they were parented, and the way they’ve been parenting, but they don’t know how. Peaceful parenting isn’t just a “nice idea.” I thought that if I wrote a book with a comprehensive framework, supported by inspiring stories of transformation, that I could offer a lot of relief and support to parents who are struggling.
“Oh my goodness,” I thought to myself. “I was abused as a child, physically and emotionally.” It landed like a punch in the gut. From being withheld food, to having to watch as my baby brother had tabasco and soap put in his mouth, and so many other experiences we suffered. Like all kids, we internalize these experiences. We have to maintain an emotional bond to our caregivers for survival. So we tell ourselves that we are “bad,” “unworthy,” and “unlovable.”
In the process of teaching myself that I was worthy, and that what happened to me as a child was inexcusable, I realized how pervasive this experience is for so many people. I channeled my anger into purpose, which has impacted so many lives. It’s humbling, actually.
I have a lot more to say about this in the book, because until we heal from our own parenting past, it’s difficult to be the parent our children need.
Most adults haven’t learned to regulate their emotions, their nervous system, and reactivity. And our kids can be incredibly triggering! So despite our best efforts, we reach our boiling point and lash out.
And finally, there’s so much judgment when we choose to parent differently than the status quo. Family members, “well-meaning” friends, and even our co-parent or spouse may feel strongly that kids need to be disciplined and punished to learn to behave. This creates so much self-doubt and worry—“Am I doing the right thing?”
There are things you can do to support yourself in creating nervous system regulation. Different people like different tools. One of our coaches loves washing the dishes with her full presence, feeling the warm water wash over her hands, and enjoying the bubbles popping in the sink. This is not my preferred activity, but to each his own.
For me, I get a lot of relief from physically soothing myself. I’ll gently rub the top of my arms or give myself a gentle hug. I like running my hands down the sides of my face as if I were tending to a child.
If time allows, walking outside or connecting to nature, even briefly, is a very regulating choice. Humming, singing songs, or dancing it out to your favorite tune can be a great way to bring yourself back to a calm, regulated state.
And let’s not forget the breath. Allowing yourself a deep, cleansing, cooling breath or three is very effective.
Kids are really helpful when we involve them in solution-oriented thinking. I share a story in the book about how my son, when he was just 8 years old, gave me an excellent strategy to stop yelling. In peaceful parenting, we are willing to be vulnerable and honest with our kids. So saying something like: “Hey guys, I am really working on yelling way less. What ideas do you have that you think might help me?”
Forgiveness doesn’t have a timetable. If your child has years of evidence (whether deserved or not) that you haven’t been a safe person for them, this process can take some time. If a late-teen or adult child comes to you and wants to share the impact of your parenting through their worldview, resist the urge to explain, defend, or deny their experience. Simply listen.
Be willing to continuously show up with curiosity, empathy, and vulnerability.
You may be met with silence, stonewalling, or denial. Defensiveness is a hard-wired human tendency. Let their response be OK. Resist the urge to fill the silence. If they are unwilling to go there with you now, it’s OK. Try again. It may take a while for your child to believe you mean it. Even when they open up, they may take some time to trust that you can hear them without re-arming yourself with your defensiveness.
Understand that this is perfectly normal. If it takes a month, year, or decade, this is your child. Keep showing up. It’s never too late, and there is almost always a path back to reconnection. Please reach out for support from a parenting coach or mental health professional if you need guidance.
As parents, we have to say no a lot. There are so many ways we can say yes when we allow our kids to have feelings, needs, and opinions! This alone will mitigate so many power struggles.
Secondly, I’d say that doing some work to identify the values that matter to you, and that you want to teach to your children, is really important. When we have a clearly defined set of values, they become the anchor for our parenting. It’s easier to let the small stuff go and focus on teaching our kids the values, morals, and integrity that will guide them through life.
So I wish that every parent knew that peaceful parenting isn’t only possible, it’s preferable. It gives our children the gift of a childhood where their creativity, confidence, and voice stay intact, because they feel seen, heard, and loved.
This is our work to do, not children’s. When we learn to shift the way that we parent, our children benefit tremendously. They thrive.
