A friend told me about a recent family gathering that went terribly wrong. Twenty-five extended family members got together for a backyard barbecue to celebrate several of their birthdays, as they did a few times a year.
Normally these get-togethers were pure fun and fellowship. But this particular event was not normal, beginning to sour when Uncle Vince, known to all as loving but loudly opinionated, mentioned a news report he’d heard that morning about government immigration policy. Vince proceeded to share his own perspective on the matter, forcefully and authoritatively.
Standing nearby, Vince’s usually reserved nephew, a university student, felt compelled to share his own thoughts about immigration policy—sharply differing from his uncle’s. Congenial banter quickly escalated into pointed and angry retorts. Soon, other family members chimed in, increasing the tension even more.
My friend, the host, wisely suggested they move on from political talk and choose a friendlier topic. That’s when two of the mothers in attendance brought up their daughters’ soccer teams—rival teams both vying for a spot in the playoffs. Competitive juices got stirred up, and the mothers made thinly veiled putdowns about the opposing teams and the opposing daughters’ abilities. One mother grabbed her daughter’s hand and stormed off.
When that dispute died down, another argument erupted, and then later another. Voices were raised. Shouting ensued. Some tears flowed. The birthday bash had become a contentious clash.
Before burgers and brats from the barbecue could be served, several family members had left the party, tired of the tension and fearing more. Others stood around awkwardly, afraid to say much. The gathering wrapped up quickly and quietly with everyone wondering what went wrong.
Was this a case of a dysfunctional and argumentative family acting poorly?
“Absolutely not!” my friend told me. “This is a family that loves each other and laughs together. We always have a great time being together—well, except for that day.”
He made this assessment: “That contentious day is a snapshot of what our larger society has become—short-tempered, divisive, combative. People in our society have largely lost the ability to discuss controversial issues without getting overheated. Seems like no wants to just agree to disagree.”
I believe my friend’s assessment was right on. When it comes to our public discourse and interpersonal relationships, our society for the large part has lost a sense of decorum, civility, and politeness. This is not a broad-brush condemnation of our society, which has much to celebrate and applaud. Still, most of us acknowledge that our public and personal communication has frequently become hostile and antagonistic.
Agreeing to disagree is one way to prioritize the relationship over the topic of discussion. (Biba Kayewich)
Whatever Happened to Common Decency?
It’s not surprising that the American Bar Association’s 2023 Survey of Civic Literacy began by saying, “Americans aren’t very nice to each other anymore and they blame social media and the media generally.” Findings included:
85 percent of survey respondents said civility in today’s society is worse than it was 10 years ago.
29 percent said social media is primarily responsible for eroding civility. Another 24 percent blamed the media generally, and 19 percent blamed public officials.
34 percent said family and friends are primarily responsible for improving civility in our society. Another 27 percent said it’s primarily the responsibility of public officials, and 11 percent said it’s community leaders’ responsibility.
I have been a mental health specialist for 40 years, so I have seen countless times how civility fosters a culture of mutual respect and kindness, promoting mental well-being and emotional resilience. Politeness and courtesy in interpersonal interactions contribute to a positive social climate, reducing stress and promoting psychological health. In contrast, a lack of civility can lead to increased levels of anxiety, aggression, and social isolation, undermining individual and collective well-being.
One study published in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found a link between toxicity in the workplace and symptoms of insomnia, a common symptom of clinical depression. Other studies highlighted by the Cognitive Institute demonstrated that incivility in the workplace leads to employee burnout, and rudeness in health care settings leads to diminished care and worse outcomes among the ill.
At the heart of civility lies a fundamental respect for others, regardless of differences in opinions, backgrounds, or beliefs. In a civil society, individuals engage in dialogue with a spirit of openness and receptivity, listening to diverse perspectives with honor and decency.
Principles for Positive Disagreements
You and I may not be able to effect sweeping societal change—but we can do our part. Change can begin when you and I choose to treat others with respect and courtesy, even amid disagreement. We can prioritize civility in our interactions and work toward creating a more respectful and compassionate world.
If you agree that some disagreements are inevitable in families, workplaces, and communities, then it’s important to establish ground rules for healthy interactions. Start with these strategies:
Both people have a legitimate right to feel and think the way they do. We can’t assume the other person is necessarily wrong simply because he or she has a different point of view. There is something wonderful about being told by someone, “I disagree with you, but I respect and honor your position.” This reduces the threat of feeling wrong just because you’re different.
If just one of you “wins” the argument, you both lose. Conflicts get our competitive juices flowing, and winning the argument becomes the number one goal. In the heat of battle, it’s easy to focus on what is best for me over what’s best for both people. It feels great if I win the argument—but it hasn’t helped to foster mutual respect.
Put-downs and name-calling are forbidden. Any comment intended to demean or degrade the other person will do nothing to solve the problem or promote civility. It will only drive you and the other person further apart to say, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”
Use your ears more than your mouth. One of the principles in Steven Covey’s popular book “Seven Habits of Highly Successful People” is this: First, seek to understand rather than be understood. In the midst of a heated discussion, nothing facilitates progress as dramatically as listening. This can be tough to do when we’re intent on defending our own position. But when we open ourselves to the other person’s thoughts and feelings, barriers come down.
The goal of conflict is unity and understanding. When two people encounter conflict, they stand at a fork in the road. One path leads to disunity and dissension; the other leads to unity and understanding. You can choose to fight mean and nasty, or you can choose to fight fair and with an open mind. Each choice will reap consequences, either for gain or loss.
Use “I” statements. One of the fastest ways to get people on the defensive in a conversation is to verbally point your finger by saying, “You always ... You never ... You should have known ...” Instead, try to frame all of your statements with the word “I.” This allows the other person to understand that you are merely stating your perspective. Try to begin sentences with “I feel ... When I ... I am concerned about ...”
Ask questions first. Seek to truly understand the other person’s perspective by asking thoughtful questions. If you don’t understand what’s being said or the motive behind the other person’s perspective, ask for clarification. Sometimes it’s helpful to restate what you heard the other person say to ensure that you interpreted their words correctly. After they finish speaking, follow up with, “What I hear you saying is ...”
Attend to tone. Have you ever had someone tell you “I’m sorry” but know that person didn’t mean it? Even though the words communicated an apology, the tone sounded defiant and unapologetic. This is because the actual words you use account for only about 7 percent of how people interpret what you say, while tone counts for about 38 percent. That means your tone is about five times more important than what you say. So make sure you come across as genuine, regardless of what you have to say.
Call for a timeout. Once the fuse of anger is lit and tempers threaten to blow, the best bet is to create a safe space for yourself and others by walking away. The wisest action might be to say, “It seems like we’re both getting fired up about this topic, so let’s set it aside and move on.” Let the other person know that you can come back to the discussion and face the issue at hand later—when you’ve had a chance to calm down.
Gregory Jantz, Ph.D., is the founder and director of the mental health clinic The Center: A Place of Hope in Edmonds, Wash. He is the author of "Healing Depression for Life," "The Anxiety Reset," and many other books. Find Jantz at APlaceOfHope.com.
