Can you name your longest-lasting friend? Mine is someone I met in preschool, and we’ve amazingly weathered the changes that college, work life, romantic relationships, and children can bring.
Many factors play into nourishing a long-lasting friendship, but loyalty is one of the most important. Yet in a society where instant gratification and personal feelings are prioritized, a clear picture of loyalty is fading. Etiquette instructor Bethany Friske seeks to refresh our memories by offering five elements of loyal friendship.
Safe Secrets
If you’re a loyal friend, you’ll be “as silent as the grave” when it comes to sharing personal information a friend entrusts to you, Friske says. You can have the nicest personality in the world, but if you are a busybody, people will be cautious about what they say around you, diminishing the trust in your relationships. Loyal friends are those who provide a sense of safety and security by keeping counsel.
Gossip Guidance
Loyal friends not only keep secrets; they also refuse to listen to others gossip about their friends. Admittedly easier said than done, Friske suggests the following questions to shut down wagging tongues: “Have you asked the other person directly? Do you know that this is fact? Is it helpful to the situation for us to be talking about this?” If you hear gossip about a friend, seeking the truth directly from that friend is a must.
Initiating Interest
“A loyal friend [doesn’t] wait for you to reach out,” Friske says. “There is a back and forth.” This holds true not only in initiating contact, but also in conversations, where a loyal friend ensures the discussion is not just about his or her own life or interests.
We also don’t have to guilt ourselves into maintaining a one-sided friendship. “You might not have every person you know as a forever friend,” Friske says, and that’s okay.
Confrontational Communication
When it comes to differences of opinion or hurt feelings, loyal friends refuse to withdraw and grow aloof. “Instead of taking up an offense, just communicate.” Don’t hold things in or stew about them, Friske advises. “[A] faithful friend is able to talk through differences without shutting me out. They’re willing to have a hard conversation … in order to maintain their friendship and keep it alive.”
Sympathetic Through Seasons
Everyone experiences life’s milestones like marriage and children at different times, a fact which can sometimes disrupt longtime friendships. Yet “a loyal friend will take into account the seasons of life, and they’ll be able to connect on many levels, not just one,” Friske says. Loyal friends are understanding, not getting offended at change, but seeking to adjust, be grateful, and even learn from the new phase of life that their friend is experiencing.
Annie Holmquist is a cultural commentator hailing from America's heartland who loves classic books, architecture, music, and values. Her writings can be found at Annie’s Attic on Substack.
