Do Men and Women Still Believe in the Value of Masculine Virtues?

One clue: look at what women look for in a man.

Long-term relationships are sustained by commitment and a shared purpose. bernardbodo/Getty Images

For some, Valentine’s Day means a dozen red roses, a candlelit supper, and two pairs of eyes bright with affection. A boy and a girl on their first date skating arm in arm, a couple married 40 years lifting a glass and toasting love—these are just a fraction of the scenes played out on this stage. For others, Valentine’s serves up tears and regret, memories of opportunities missed and marriages dissolved.

And for some members of one demographic—men in their 20s to their mid-30s—those roses and candies are barbed reminders that another year has gone by and romance seems as far away as the moon. Maybe you’re one of these men. You dream of finding a woman to love who loves you, someone to marry and share a life with, but that possibility seems as faded as those jeans you wore on your last date six months ago. You’ve struck out again and again. From time to time, you and your puzzled friends who are in the same boat crack open a beer, along with the question, “What do women want?”

I contacted on short notice a dozen female friends and relatives via an email posing two questions, to which I asked for short, spontaneous responses. Four of the recipients—two family members and two friends—responded.

Here are the questions:

1. What qualities should women look for in men to whom they’re romantically attracted?
2. What are the most important attributes of character men bring to a marriage?

Here are their replies:

Theresa, 29, Single

“Women should look for discipline in men. They need to be able to say no to themselves in order to say yes to their family. I also think stability is vital, and that can show up financially, behaviorally, and emotionally.

Men bring a unique strength to marriage, one that makes them decisive, distanced from emotions, and willing to do the hard thing. A woman’s strength is different ... The providing instinct in a man breeds a protectiveness that women need, not because they can’t be independent, but because women nurture and men provide the soil to cultivate.”

Ann, 24, Married and Mother of 4

“Man of God. Emotional maturity and good communication. He can talk things through, take feedback, and doesn’t need to ‘win’ every conversation. If there is a disagreement or obstacle, his main focus is working with his partner to find a solution. A kind of confidence that shows up as ownership and drive, not ego.

Taking responsibility for his family and the direction of the home. Being the first to stand up and say, ‘Things need to be better’ or ‘Things need to change,’ and then leading the charge to make it happen. Humility in all things. This drives a constant pursuit of wisdom and growth so he can become a better husband, father, friend, and provider. A willingness to sacrifice not because he has to, but because he genuinely wants to.”

Sue, 72, Widow and Mother of 2 Adult Children

Qualities of men to whom attracted: “Kindness, responsible, appearance, spiritual life.”

Character that men bring to marriage: “Kindness, responsible, spiritual life—same as above.”

“Kindness indicates how they treat family, friends, co-workers, and animals. Responsibility has to do with how they manage their living situation (home), finances, and appointments. Spiritual life doesn’t necessarily mean one has to have the same faith, but that one practices a faith and respects other people’s faiths.”

Long marriages often reflect a steady, quiet understanding of love. skynesher/Getty Images

Grace, 73, Married and Mother of 4 Adult Children

Qualities: “I would never tell any other woman what they should look for in a partner. I know that I valued calmness in the man I eventually married.”

Character: “Same as for women: the ability to listen.”

“I value my husband’s sense of humor and the fact that family is a priority for him.”

Healthy marriages are grounded in humility, compassion, and self-sacrifice. Halfpoint Images/Getty Images

To the Men

In these four short reflections are several commonalities, attributes of character like responsibility, stability, and listening skills. “Doing the hard thing,” as Theresa put it, is at least hinted at by the others. Sue stressed kindness, and Grace mentioned humor. Ann brought up humility, a mark of character that thinkers down through the ages have described as the mother or root of all virtue.

These four takes on masculinity and marriage match up with surveys of women found online. In these many inventories of what women want in a man, we find compassion, strength, confidence, self-discipline, and what Grace described as “calmness,” the ability to handle stress well.

So, the women have answered some questions. Now it’s your turn.

How well do your attributes and habits match this list? Do you accept responsibility for mistakes you’ve made and who you’ve become, or do you join with the victimhood culture so prevalent today and blame others? Are you kind and respectful to others? When difficulties, large or small, arise, do you keep your cool or blow a gasket? How about your table manners, your language, your dress and appearance? Are these outer signs of your identity attractive or repellent?

Most importantly, are you content to “just be yourself,” or are you striving every day to be your best self?

Look in the mirror and see what that man has to say. If you come up short, it’s time to stop blaming women for your solitude and make some changes in your life and in yourself.

Masculine virtue includes the ability to govern one's impulses, to remain steady under pressure, and to act with intention rather than reaction. ViDI Studio/Shutterstock

These Preservers of Masculine Virtues Will Surprise You

If we go through that female wish list again, and if we’re at all familiar with history, we see something astounding at work. Despite all our postmodernist talk about feminism and the current bitter battle of the sexes, the qualities women are seeking today in a man correspond to a code of manliness with a long history in Western civilization.

The ancient Romans, for instance, counted firmitas (tenacity), severitas (self-control), dignitas (self-worth), and prudentia (prudence) among the virtues to which all men should aspire. In the Middle Ages, the idea of chivalry came into being, promoted in part by women, especially Eleanor of Aquitaine. This code, which encompassed women as well as men, included such virtues as courage, defense of the weak, temperance, courtesy, and respect. Victorian England saw a renewed interest in these chivalric ideals, and not just in literature and the arts. A code of chivalry was revived as well. Of the character attributes 21st-century women hope to find in men, many marked a gentleman 150 years ago.

In other words, though they may be unaware of it, and regardless of what we read or hear about its demise, many women still believe in the value of masculine virtues, even while many men neglect them. This strange circumstance has gone unremarked by many of our cultural commentators, yet judging by the surveys mentioned above, many unmarried women would be thrilled to meet a man with those virtues, while many married women find their happiness in husbands who preserve and honor these standards. Oddly enough, then, these women are the keepers of the flame of masculinity in our present culture.

If you’re looking for a life partner, begin by drawing nearer to that flame this Valentine’s Day.