For most married couples, the days leading up to the wedding are exciting and full of happiness and idealized visions of future life together. But during marriage, a husband and wife can expect both bitter and sweet times. Conflicts are inevitable.
Sometimes conflicts can become intense, repetitive, or even drag on for far too long. Since conflicts are unavoidable, what’s most important is how you handle them. If you feel your current tract may be leading to divorce, it’s time to try another.
Next time a conflict occurs, rather than falling into old patterns, first take a step back and reminisce about the good times you’ve had together. Before saying anything else, before making any decisions based on worked-up emotion, one of the wisest things to do is calm down and self-reflect.
Self-reflection. What’s that mean? It means rather than focus on the other person’s faults, first think about your own; think about how you can do better, or what are you not doing enough of?
• Think about your tone of voice when you speak, about how you regard your spouse in your mind.
• Think about the effects of your words on your spouse and how it makes them feel.
• Look at your conflict as though you are not caught up in it yourself, but rather, look at it as a bystander.
If you can start to do that, you’ve already taken the first steps towards improvement. If you find it difficult to calm down, take a short walk in the park. Once you’re calm, start to reflect. The main objective is to approach things rationally without being overwhelmed by emotion.
If it really seems you bear no fault in the situation, then use your kindheartedness and speak with a pleasant tone. “Let’s talk about how to do better.”
Don’t be critical when you speak. Most couples that are teetering toward divorce have become overly critical and have lost all respect for the other. It’s hard for a marriage to withstand that. A marriage is a beautiful unity between husband and wife, and it should be built upon trustworthiness, honesty, tolerance, respect, and responsibility.
A relationship will not be harmonious simply because you want it to be. You need to work on it. Don’t think, “The other person is at fault. He/she is not doing his/her part.”
Improvement starts with yourself. You can even ask your spouse, “Are there things about me that bug you?” Be prepared to take criticism and adopt a humble approach. This isn’t about totally changing yourself, it’s about a process of refining yourself, of becoming a better person.
Let’s go over three basic tips that can help repair an unharmonious marriage. Even if you feel your marriage is going well, these tips can help it go even better.
1. Communicate: Do you find yourself talking with an unpleasant or critical tone, or even shying away from communication with your partner? Let’s change that. Prepare some tea and biscuits, sit down, and speak kindly to your spouse. Face any conflicts you have directly. Admit any faults and express your willingness to improve. This will melt the ice that has developed between you Openly recognize and praise your partner for his/her good points, keep things positive, and be humble. There’s a good chance your spouse will start to respond in a similar way.
2. Practice self-restraint: Sometimes, you may really feel annoyed at your partner. Don’t be. Out of responsibility to your marriage, just don’t be. Instead of unleashing emotion, practice self-restraint. Simple tweaking your words can bring about much better results. For example, instead of: “I hate it when you talk to me like that!” Instead say, “I’d rather you talk more pleasantly, just like how I’m talking to you now.” You can even say that with a smile. Really, try it. Focus on your tone of voice when you speak, it’s very important.
3. Show you care: It’s simple in theory, but it’s easy to forget this basic point when emotions get out of hand. Think about how you’d treat an old friend you haven’t seen in ages. Look at the person across from you in the eyes with warmth when they speak or when you speak; pour their drink; make them feel you care for them. Ask your spouse if he/she is cold; get their jacket. Ask if they’re hungry; offer to get some food.
If you genuinely want to improve, your efforts will surely bring about positive results. You’ll not only feel better about taking a more active approach to bringing harmony to your marriage, but your spouse may even mimic your approach.
Finally, adopt an optimistic way of viewing past conflicts and think: “The conflicts we’ve gone through as a couple have allowed us to learn more about ourselves, be less selfish, and improve how we cooperate in our daily lives.”
8-21-13
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