Proverbs to Cherish: ‘Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder’

With a similar sentiment to the more modern 'You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone,' this proverb has a history of more than 2,000 years

During the pandemic, we grew to value human connection more than ever—it's just not the same via video, no matter how hard we try. (Liderina/Shutterstock)

Recently, my husband had to take a job in another region for a few months. During that time, I felt more than ever the insightfulness of the proverb “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I used to think it was a bit of an overly affected saying, but now that I’ve experienced it fully, I no longer have that feeling.

Incredibly, this proverb has been with the Western world for more than 2,000 years. As with most proverbs, its history is fascinating and allows us not only to appreciate the long process of its passing down to us, but also the many eras of civilization it survived.

From Rome to England

We can trace back the earliest form of the proverb to a Roman poet named Sextus Aurelius Propertius, who lived from about 50 B.C. to 15 B.C. In a work titled “Elegies,” he writes, “Semper in absentes felicior aestus amantes,” which—in addition to sometimes being rendered in the modern form of the proverb we know—can be translated as “Passion is always warmer toward absent lovers.”

Over time, it has taken on different forms and appeared in a variety of contexts—poetry, songs, and so on. With a proverb this old, it’s hard to say exactly when it began appearing consistently in its current form. But the 1600s saw several appearances of it, in various forms, in print.

The first time it appeared in print in English may have been in 1602 as part of an anonymous poem in Francis Davison’s anthology “Poetical Rhapsody.” And in 1616, a variation of it was published in Thomas Overbury’s “Characters,” in which he writes, “Absence doth sharpen love; presence strengthens it.”

At that point, perhaps it was catching on—or, perhaps its various appearances just reflect a shared human experience—because another variation appeared in 1650, this time in “Familiar Letters” by James Howell: “Distance sometimes endears friendship, and absence sweetens it.” (Speaking of sweet—what a sweet rendition!)

There’s one thing that researchers agree on, though: A song from the 1800s called “Isle of Beauty” was key in popularizing our current version of the proverb. In his 1844 volume, called “Songs, Ballads, and Other Poems,” Thomas Haynes Bayly writes:

What would I not give to wander Where my old companions dwell; Absence makes the heart grow fonder, Isle of Beauty, “fare thee well!”

The beautifully written song was published in various hymnals, and with that, the talented Bayly may have made this line an eternal proverb of the English language.

‘You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Until It’s Gone’

In the course of reflecting on it, I realized that “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” contains a similar sentiment to the more modern, but also very insightful, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” But having just re-read Bayly’s poem, this modern saying isn’t nearly as satisfying to read, is it? So this is an example of why it’s good for the world—for all of us—to keep these cherished ancient proverbs alive.

It’s so true that when you temporarily don’t have something that you’re used to having, you grow to see its virtues more clearly.

In recent years, I think each of us has experienced a shade of it. And that’s thanks to COVID-19. Yes, a little silver lining in an otherwise bleak period.

During the pandemic, when we couldn’t see friends, family, or even co-workers as much as normal, we grew to value the human connection more than ever. And to appreciate—but maybe also loathe—the technological connection that kept us going.

Ditto for in-person events such as concerts, sports, worship—you name it. It’s just not the same via video, no matter how hard people try. The beauty and energy of music, the atmosphere of a cheering crowd, and the profundity of the spiritual connection simply can’t be replicated through technological means. There are invisible ties that bind us all, no matter where we are, yet we feel them more fully when in person.

When my husband was away recently, I grew to value our relationship much more. I reflected on the stories of wives who have awaited husbands for long periods of time. There are the wives of service members, of those who work at sea, and of those who can make ends meet only by living apart. I once read an ancient story from China about a wife who waited faithfully for her husband—deployed for military service and fully incommunicado—for 18 years!

Ultimately, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” not only conveys a truth, but also teaches a little moral lesson: to appreciate those around you and to cherish your friendships and relationships while you can, because they won’t last forever.