New Baby, New Dynamic: 5 Essential Rules for Family and Friends

It's a time to share joy and offer a helping hand—but stay mindful of new Mom and Dad and their needs and desires. (Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock)

The little bundle of joy is finally here! Everyone’s so excited! But be prepared—there’s something about a new baby that makes even the sanest person throw the rules of etiquette right out the window.

The Hospital Rush

TV and movies show us new mothers with perfect makeup enthusiastically hosting 30 loud relatives and friends in their hospital room immediately after giving birth. In reality, the new mom has just gone through many long, difficult, painful hours of labor. Close relatives—we’re talking immediate family here—and close friends may visit. Everyone else needs to wait for an invitation; Mom needs to rest and bond with her baby.

Call before you stop by to make sure that it’s not feeding time, there’s no one else visiting, and Mom’s not taking a well-deserved nap (hopefully, the phone doesn’t wake her). Never visit if you have a fever, cough, or cold.

Home Turf

Please don’t show up unannounced. Yes, this applies even if you just show up to drop off the “most adorable baby outfit that you just had to buy.” (We’ll get back to your habit of shopping too much for the newborn a little later.)

When you’re invited over, put your cellphone on silent, as otherwise, it might wake the baby after the parents finally get him to sleep. Leave your kids at home; they can see their newest cousin later. Skip the perfume; new moms are going through huge hormonal upheavals, and the newborn might not like it. Keep your lips to yourself; unfortunately, kissing a newborn can lead to infections. Wash or sanitize your hands first, if you are invited to hold the baby.

Power Reversal

Suddenly the grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins, et cetera, are the ones who have to follow the rules. They probably have several encyclopedia volumes full of helpful life experience, but it’s the new parents’ turn to be in charge.

Let young Mom and Dad decide what’s best for their baby. Just like when they were younger and you had to let them make their own mistakes, do so now, unless they’re doing something unwittingly dangerous. Show that you respect their decisions, and when you’re asked for advice, tread lightly and express yourself gently. This is a very emotional, often hormonal, time; be the calm one. Respect any boundaries they set, even if you don’t agree.

Shopping for a new baby is a blast, but don’t go overboard. (NDanko/Shutterstock)

Buying Good Will

With all the outfits and stuffed toys available, shopping for a new baby is a blast. Indulge yourself, but don’t go overboard. You don’t have to store all this stuff; the new parents do. Keeping things under control is doubly important if they’re planning to move soon.

An alternative would be to contribute to a savings account for the child. Or, ask what big gift you can have fun shopping for, such as a high-tech stroller they’ve been wanting but can’t justify. Never give gifts to compete with another grandparent; that behavior is a sign of much deeper problems. Do buy gifts for the baby’s siblings and something nice for Mom and Dad.

Helping Hand

All new parents can use some assistance; ask them what they need. Think outside the diaper box. In addition to the expected babysitting offer, there’s also grocery shopping, dog walking, house cleaning or hiring a cleaning crew, or maybe taking their car in for an oil change.

For little things, you may want to skip asking and just do them: Take out the trash on your way out, or bring their favorite coffee drink or the diapers you know they use (no substitutes!). One of the best things you can do is to focus on the parents; notice and compliment them. It’s not all about the baby.