Some people just can’t give themselves a break.
If that’s you, have you ever wondered why we’re so bad at self-care, and why taking care of ourselves isn’t instinctual? There are countless books on how to take better care of ourselves, so why aren’t we getting it?
For one thing, the self-care culture we hear about is incomplete. We’re taught that self-care is an external process; a massage, good food, or taking a walk. These are all valid self-caring actions, which serve us. And yet, a far deeper and richer level of self-care exists. It is not about “doing” for ourselves, but rather about “being” with ourselves.
Isn’t Self-Care Selfish?
While most of us would claim that we’re pretty good at self-care, we often feel selfish when it comes to actually treating ourselves with care internally: “How selfish of me to spend time thinking about what I need, when so many people don’t have that luxury!” The fear of being judged (by oneself and others) as selfish keeps many people from having more self-compassion, or asking for kindness from others, even when they desperately need it.We’re sometimes afraid that if we care too much about ourselves, there won’t be any caring left for others, as if caring is a finite commodity. That is, if we take the time to pay attention to our own experience, we‘ll become so self-involved and egotistical that we’ll stop wanting to be kind to anyone else.
There is also an inner critic that deems us unworthy, that is consumed with our shortcomings. It can be hard to widen this critic’s focus to our full selves. If we had a friend who was being too hard on themselves, we would remind them of their broader character, that they are a good person worthy of self-compassion, but for some reason, this can be hard to do with ourselves. We all fall short, and we are all worthy of forgiveness and patience as we strive to do better.
It works in reverse as well.
Empathizing with our own experience is precisely what allows us to empathize with the experience of others. Paradoxically, taking care of ourselves is what makes us unselfish. When we reject or ignore ourselves, we cannot be truly compassionate with others, and certainly not to our full capacity, as a large part of our heart is closed off and inaccessible.
This isn’t to say we can’t be kind human beings without being kind to ourselves. But without the ability to relate lovingly to our own experience, we’re severed from the real depth of our loving potential. It’s as if we are living in a puddle when we could have access to the ocean.
As you take care of others, make the effort to relate to yourself with the same attitude of kindness and warmth. Remember to offer yourself a curious and compassionate ear: to talk to yourself as someone who matters, to give yourself the benefit of the doubt, to take a break from self-judgment, and even to consider what’s good about yourself. Decide to be a supportive and loving presence inside your own being.