“We find peace when we see people as God sees them and discover people are more than the sum of their mistakes”
—Marcus Warner
When your marriage has fallen into a state of disrepair, it can feel like the light is going out on your most important relationship. Feelings of sadness or resentment may edge out those of love and happiness. Especially when we’re distracted by the responsibilities and stresses of everyday life, it’s easy to overlook the people we hold dear—but relationships need attention and appreciation to thrive. Just like a little TLC can take a drooping houseplant and perk it right up, a renewed attempt to see and genuinely care for your partner can rebuild joy and love in your marriage.
Recent breakthroughs in brain science reveal that joyful attachment is the most powerful motivator in life. According to attachment theory, the primal part of your brain that grows in the womb is wired for attachment and relational bonding. From the brain’s perspective, there is no greater force than attachment, and consequently there is no greater pain nor joy than the emotions that result from those attachments. The more joy you and your partner can grow in your marriage, the more those feelings of being in love will stay strong. Falling “out of love” results from the absence of joy.
Playing Together
Thinking back to the honeymoon phase of your marriage, you and your spouse might remember that play was abundant. Smiles, laughter, and touch all produced overflowing joy in the brain that flooded the body with hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin. Play is essential for maintaining a stimulating bond in your marriage. Finding ways to connect through laughter and activity keeps the circulation of relational joy from stagnating. Activities like building new hobbies together, weekly dates, and planning vacations all give you something to anticipate and share.- We will stop talking about problems and tasks 30 minutes before we go to bed.
- We will play together and share appreciation before we turn off the lights.
Listening for Emotion
When one spouse expresses a problem or concern to another, most likely it’s in seeking emotional support. If your first inclination is finding a solution to the problem, it can come across as apathetic and inconsiderate—nobody wants to feel like a problem that needs fixing. Validating your partner’s emotions before trying to help solve a problem is crucial for compassionate communication.“Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with what someone is feeling … You simply need to acknowledge that they are, in fact, feeling that way,” writes Warner. Counterfeit validation, on the other hand, is when you don’t name your spouse’s emotions accurately, instead replying, “I understand.” Bypassing your spouse’s emotion by responding with a counterfeit validation is like saying, “Shut up! I’m tired of listening.”
Appreciate Daily
Spousal appreciation directly correlates to the amount of joy a marriage can hold—resentment replaces joy when appreciation fades. Gratitude can be considered the currency of marriage. When we give, receive, and trade fairly, harmony and balance stabilize. For impoverished marriages, there is little of this currency to support emotional stability. Fortunately, we can all grow appreciation through daily exercises that train our brains to recognize blessings instead of fixating on solving problems or avoiding pain.After studying the effects of appreciation and gratitude, Warner created an exercise that he and his wife practice, calling it the 3x3x3. “First, we take turns sharing three things from our day that we appreciate. Second, we express three qualities we appreciate about each other, including examples of these qualities ‘in action.’ Finally, we highlight three qualities we appreciate about God.”
We all desire to feel appreciated and honored, especially by our significant others. Verbalizing the qualities you appreciate about your partner can foster more admiration, respect, and secure bonding. When too much time is allowed to pass between moments of relational joy, couples may start feeling numb to their adoration for each other, and even forget what they once appreciated about one another. A good exercise to practice with your partner is remembering each other as the people you were when you fell in love. When did you both discover you were in love, and which of your partner’s characteristics did you appreciate and adore?
Nurturing a Rhythm
If we can nurture routines that allow for rest as well as play, we can create a fertile environment for growing joy. When we don’t make time for activities that feed the soul, we wilt. Likewise, when you don’t make time for relational bonding with your spouse, your marriage suffers. Developing a rhythm with your partner keeps the foundation of your marriage strong and helps to carry it through difficult times.A Little Joy Goes a Long Way
“Romance is about taking the time to be together and making a plan is about dedication.”—Marcus Warner
The goal of cultivating these four habits is to minimize the gaps between moments of shared joy. When a couple builds enough joy in their relationship, they generate more security in their marriage, recover more quickly from conflicts, and embrace spending more time together. Nobody said relationships are easy—but they don’t need to be too complicated, either.
We’re all born with similar attachments and desires for relational bonding—we all need to feel secure, loved, and appreciated. When we get pulled along with the current of daily stress, we can lose sight of the bigger picture, and we’re more likely to neglect or even take advantage of those we hold dear. Relationships need attention and appreciation to flourish. By taking a step back and viewing your partner and yourself with a fresh pair of eyes, you can learn to see and compassionately care for your partner with more gratitude, validation, and joy!
Friends Read Free