When Parenting Gets Busy, Stay Connected With Your Partner

Psychiatrist Kathryn Ford shares simple but powerful ways for parents to reconnect during the busy seasons of life.

Appreciation, time together, and flexibility are the keys to a lasting relationship. JLco Julia Amaral/Shutterstock

Parents can lose sight of the importance of nurturing their own relationship in favor of pouring all that they’ve got into their children. However, a more balanced approach ensures the health of their relationship and the stability of their family for the long haul.

That’s easier said than done when the baby’s up all night, or you’ve got to travel to three different cities in a weekend for soccer, or when it’s college application season. I asked Dr. Kathryn Ford, psychiatrist and author of the upcoming book “The Aperture Effect: A Radically Simple Approach to Finding Joy and Connection in Your Relationship,” for her advice to couples who want to improve their relationship while navigating the duties of parenthood.

The Epoch Times: What inspired you to write “The Aperture Effect”?

Dr. Kathryn Ford: For more than 20 years, I have been helping couples improve their relationships. I was inspired by their hard work and success through using what I was offering, in particular Aperture Awareness. Probably, I was also inspired by the hard work and success in my own relationship with my husband, Peter.

The Epoch Times: What relationship mistakes do you see couples commonly making after becoming parents?

Dr. Ford: Not finding time to be together. Relationships wither when we neglect them. Finding time for each other will be extremely hard after becoming parents. No question about it. But it’s also not really optional. Get creative. Part of being a good parent is taking care of your couple’s relationship.

Another common mistake has to do with not appreciating each other. No matter what your respective roles are, both of you are working overtime once the kids come. If you have a very specialized role division—with one of you doing most of the family-life tending and the other doing most of the out-in-the-world making a living—you can become very aware of what you are doing that your partner isn’t. Take time to keep each other aware of your jobs, and also know that you won’t thoroughly understand the other’s work. This needn’t stop you from appreciating how hard the other is working.

Also, if one of you is the primary parent, work together to make sure that the other parent has time with the children to develop his or her parenting skills and build the relationships.

Dr. Kathryn Ford. Kathryn Ford

The Epoch Times: Parents commonly get so busy that they begin to neglect their relationship with one another. What simple steps can a couple take to rekindle lost connection?

Dr. Ford: Spend time together. Time together without interruptions from other people is valuable. The small moments count. Also, reinstate date night as soon as possible, even if all you have time and energy for is a walk around the neighborhood. And it’s not just about time; it’s also important that you save some energy for each other. Maybe the night that you have a babysitter, you leave work a bit early so that you have time to rest and decompress to be more ready to be with your partner.

Check in with each other at the end of the day. How did the pediatrician visit go? What happened in that meeting that your partner was nervous about? Even a few minutes helps you stay in touch.

Be more flexible and intentional about physical touch. Make sure that you stay physically connected with a variety of physical contact. And talk about it.

Get away from home together for a day or an overnight. Longer if possible.

Dr. Ford's new book, "The Aperture Effect." Kathryn Ford

The Epoch Times: What are some healthy habits that busy parents can employ to keep their relationship with each other thriving?

Dr. Ford: Be generous with appreciation. I’ve had couples tell me, when I suggest that they thank their partner for everyday actions such as cleaning the kitchen, “That’s just table stakes; why should I have to thank them for it?” In a relationship, there is no such thing as table stakes! Being a human being in a relationship is hard, and being a parent while nurturing your relationship is even harder. Develop the habit of noticing and commenting on all of the little things that your partner does that enhance your life—including doing the dishes.

Reserve an hour a week to talk specifically about your relationship. Without this, difficult conversations may get deferred for too long or may happen at the wrong times. Having time set aside for this will make it easier to bring up tricky subjects and, over time, will lead to less anxiety and more skills.

Be slow to anger, quick to forgive. Anger can be very damaging. And too often we try to talk about our upset while we’re still angry. Learn to calm down before you talk about it.

The Epoch Times: What stage of their children’s lives tends to be the most challenging for parents in terms of nurturing their relationship with one another?

Dr. Ford: Statistics show that the most difficult time in couples’ relationships is when the kids are little: birth to age 5. As they get older, more of their time is spent elsewhere and more of their needs are met by others; the demands on your time and energy decrease. It’s important to know this. We can have an overly romanticized idea about little children, especially if we’ve really wanted them. We imagine that they will make us happy—and they often do. But also they make it hard to nurture and enjoy our partner.

The Epoch Times: Sometimes, parents don’t realize that they’ve lost their connection until they find themselves with an empty nest. What advice do you have for empty nesters to rekindle their connection and thrive in the next stage of life?

Dr. Ford: First, be patient and take the long view. You have a lot of adjusting to do, individually and as a couple. Don’t expect to pick up where you left off. You are starting a new relationship, not continuing the one you had.

Court each other. Be curious and open to learning about yourself and your partner, which includes actively suspending assumptions based on the past. Let things be new.

And there often is the problem of deferred maintenance. Being a happy couple requires a lot of time, attention, and learning. During the years of raising children, you haven’t been able to take care of and develop your relationship. Things between you may be in a bit of disrepair. Be prepared to give time and attention to building and rebuilding.

When the kids leave, there is a period of renegotiation. You now have options that weren’t available before, and you won’t always agree about what you want. You may find yourselves having difficult feelings and difficult conversations about things such as chores, vacations, or even where to live. This is normal. It doesn’t mean that one of you has become unbearably selfish or that you are mismatched.

Make plans for how you will enjoy your new freedom! Research shows that we get a big lift from pleasant anticipation.

The Epoch Times: What do you wish more parents understood about taking care of their own relationship?

Dr. Ford: There is no substitute for time. This applies to the relationships you are building with your children and also to your couple’s relationship. Finding time together will be hard and sometimes seem impossible. It’s worth the effort.

Learn to use the time you have wisely. Have fun together and talk about the things that matter—just as you did when you first courted.

Having a vision of the relationship that you dream of is important. But too often we get discouraged by the gap between our vision and reality. Here’s the secret: You have to add learning. Your vision is the vision of what you are learning to do. Don’t give up on your dreams; you need them for inspiration to do the hard work of building love together.

The Epoch Times: What motivates you to continue the work you do?

Dr. Ford: Couples’ relationships are both extremely important and extremely challenging. Relationships are the most important thing for our happiness, especially the relationship with our life partner.

This interview has been edited for brevity and clarity.