The Identity Trap of Childhood Labels

Some labels offer reassurance and support, while others limit growth for years to come.

By shifting definitive labels to more flexible language, adults can help children see themselves as capable of growth and change. Ridofranz/Getty Images

Children today are often labeled. They’re told that they’re gifted or below grade level, a natural leader or a troublemaker, athletic or book smart, artistic or analytical. They might be given any number of professional diagnoses aimed at describing their behavior, learning styles, or emotional challenges. Some of these labels arise from sincere efforts to help. Others are applied casually, repeated thoughtlessly, or embraced too quickly.

People are drawn to labels because they appear to offer clarity and relief when life feels uncertain. They can be used to secure support and resources to address a problem. However, when the label is used in a way that defines the child, the cost can be great.

Long-Term Harm

Although the validity of such labels is open to question, the power of them is not. It may seem like a harmless or even helpful thing to do at the beginning—naming a perceived limitation. However, once a label has been affixed, it has a way of lodging itself inside a child’s identity.

Think back to your own childhood and any label that may have been associated with you. Did you “talk too much in class”? Were you called bossy, unpopular, or slow? It’s hard to navigate childhood without being subject to labels. Parents, teachers, and other supportive adults can encourage children not to adopt such labels as their fundamental identity, but children are impressionable, and those sentiments can stick with them.

The greatest danger lies in the long-term hypnosis that labels can create. Once a narrative is cemented, every behavior is filtered through it. Progress is overlooked. Exceptions are dismissed. The child is no longer seen as a developing human being, but as a label. The label outlives the problem it aimed to define, grows far beyond it, and hypnotizes the child and those around them into believing it to be true and permanent.

‘You Are’

It can be helpful for adults to refrain from telling children, “You are ... ” anything. After all, human beings are complex and difficult to define, and a statement that begins that way is likely flawed.

Instead of saying, “You are not strong in math,” it’s less of an identity fixture to say, “Math has been a struggle lately.” The issue is still acknowledged, and arguably more accurately, and the child doesn’t have to take on the identity of not being strong in math forever and ever.

‘I Am’

Similarly, we can teach children (and, frankly, adults) to use caution using the phrase “I am.” When you tell yourself, “I am lazy,” “I am shy,” “I am not good enough,” or any such statement, such labels can be internalized and become a part of your identity. You begin to believe that the statement is an absolute and unchangeable truth.

If the phrase “I am” is not going to be followed by an empowering belief, think twice about uttering or thinking it at all. Teach your children to do the same.

When we believe an idea about our identity, we act that identity out in life. We prefer living in congruence with what we believe about ourselves. So, use your words to help your children develop positive identities and good characters.