Male Friendship in an Epidemic of Isolation

Once anchored in shared work and activities, male friendships have eroded over the past three decades.

Take the time to maintain your friendships. Matheus Ferrero/Unsplash

Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins from “Lord of the Rings.” Augustus McCrae and Woodrow Call from “Lonesome Dove.” Jack Aubrey and Stephen Maturin from “Master and Commander.” These are just three examples of strong male friendships in 20th-century fiction.

The classic template for this sort of friendship is the ancient Greek tale of best friends Damon and Pythias. Sentenced to death for plotting against the cruel tyrant Dionysius, Pythias asks permission to visit his mother and sister and settle his affairs before his execution. He promises to return and face his death. The king refuses, but then Damon steps up and offers himself as a hostage for his friend’s return. The king grants this request, cynically certain that Damon will die, and Pythias departs. Yet he does return just in the nick of time, and Dionysius is so touched by the devotion of both young men that he sets them free.

This is the quintessential story of male camaraderie.

Today, however, these tales, old and new, mock rather than match the reality experienced by many men.

Stats and Causation

In his article “How Male Friendship Saves Lives,” writer Jarie Bolander mentions a 2021 survey that said that in 1990, 55 percent of men had six or more close friends. By 2021, that number had dropped to just 27 percent. Meanwhile, the percentage of men with no close friends at all rose from 3 percent to 15 percent.

Experts cite several reasons for this decline. Bolander, for example, says that men are activity-oriented, engaging in shoulder-to-shoulder sharing, whereas women prefer face-to-face relationships, focusing on emotions. When these shared activities, such as sports, fade away, the friendships fade with them. Consequently, high school or college graduates who shared not only sports or clubs with friends but also recreation such as video games often find that commencement ends many of these friendships.

Like some other commentators, Bolander writes, “Add in a lack of emotional skills, fear of rejection, and outdated ideas about masculinity, and it’s no wonder men struggle to build meaningful friendships.” Some observers go further, advocating that men adopt more feminine qualities of friendship: emotional openness, engagement in personal matters, and vulnerability.

More Likely Causes

Yet all of these reasons for male loneliness appear inadequate. Given that the men from 1990 must have shared those same traits with the men of 2021, including “outdated ideas about masculinity,” how did they have more friends and experience less loneliness?

More likely, the isolation that some men are feeling today is part of the social disconnection in our culture at large, addressed in the 2023 Surgeon General’s Advisory “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” Less community involvement, more time spent on screens than with human beings, and hurried lifestyles have created distance between people.

Founders of The Art of Manliness website, Kate and Brett McKay, have constructed a different take on male friendships. In their excellent article “Why Are Female Friendships the Ideal? ('Cause Dude Friendships Also Rock),” they unpack the differences between men and women in what they expect and get from a friendship, then reaffirm the more traditional shoulder-to-shoulder friendships between men, including the vital point that “instead of trying to force male friendships into a female mold, maybe we should just let men make the connections that feel the most natural to them.”

Here’s the Part That Counts

All of these statistics, data, and analysis have little to do with individuals. We might feel good knowing that we have the average number of friends, and if we’re lonely, it might be a comfort realizing that we’re not the only person in the world experiencing isolation. But if we want to make some friends, what’s really needed is some good practical advice, preferably from people who’ve experienced loneliness and know what they’re talking about.

In “Making and Keeping Man Friendships,” Brett McKay begins by telling readers that he has gone through the same difficulties. He modestly notes that he doesn’t have all the answers to making friends and that he’s consequently collected ideas and advice from several acquaintances. Here is the truncated version of those conversations.

Join an Organization

Men, particularly those with families, often say they lack the time for activities outside the home. After suggesting that these men take an inventory of how they’re spending all those hours, the McKays conclude, “Having healthy man friendships and interests outside your family will make you a saner, more well-rounded man, and thus a better husband and father.”

The associations that he recommends include fraternal organizations such as the Masons—“they’re not just for your grandpa”—churches and religious organizations, sports leagues if you’re looking for some physical action, book clubs, and Toastmasters, where you’ll not only become a better orator but will meet other guys. Although we usually associate book clubs with women, several men whom I know, including one of my sons, both founded and participate in a men’s book club. They read some great literature, enjoy a monthly evening of camaraderie, and deepen their friendships with others in the group.

The workplace and neighborhoods, the McKays rightly contend, are natural pools of potential friends. Getting to know men in both places means introducing ourselves and inviting someone out for a drink or over to the house for a beer. The point is to get past our natural reticence and open a dialogue.

Maintaining Friendships

Here again, the McKays offer some solid tips for staying in touch and deepening relationships. Having a common goal—running a marathon, sticking to a diet, reading a book in common every month—keeps the friendship on the upswing. A monthly guys’ night out playing poker, attending a sports event, or simply getting together for a breakfast or supper boosts friendships.

And if circumstances have separated you from a close friend, the McKays recommend touching base on a regular basis rather than on random occasions. Phone calls, emails, or old-fashioned letters, which the McKays strongly encourage, ensure that the friendship, no matter the miles, will thrive.

Points to Remember

The McKays’ advice is excellent, but here are several other quick notes for consideration.

Being alone does not equate with loneliness. Some people spend the greater part of each day alone for all sorts of reasons. We who do so often treasure this time of self-isolation.

Loneliness is often a passing mood rather than a permanent condition. The mood lasts one or two days, then vanishes as suddenly as it appeared.

With certain exceptions, you are not a “victim” of loneliness. To take that attitude is unmanly. If you are physically able, with effort and intention, you can make friends.

Some of those polls showing diminished rates of male friendship likely neglected to ask whether the respondent had a spouse, grown children, or close female friends. Certainly having man-buds is valuable, as the McKays stated, but others may count as much or more.

The number of male friends one has means little. It’s not a contest. If we’re talking about guys who would stick with us through thick and thin, then count yourself blessed to have one or two such “brothers from other mothers.”

Finally, and most importantly, there’s this word of advice from Ralph Waldo Emerson, as true now as the day he wrote it, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.”

There you go.