I am a 75-year-old mom of two grown children. My son has for years borrowed endless amounts of money. Each and every time I bring up repayment or a payment plan, it always ends up in a terrible situation. Ten years ago, he and his wife signed an IOU letter; now, he tells me his wife has nothing to do with the loans, and I should never even mention the letter to her.
In order to be fair to my other child, in my will I have subtracted all the loans from my son’s inheritance, but I feel so guilty doing this because his wife got all the benefit of his inheritance. Will she share hers with him? It’s obvious to me that she will not. Should I put a lien on their home? When this came up in one of our unpleasant discussions, I was told that if I were to do such a thing, I would never see them, including my grandchild, of course. When I suggested monthly payments or even a payment every other month, they said they can’t do this, as it would cut into their living standards.
I feel so sad and stupid for having fallen victim to my own son. At this point, I am afraid to even mention money around him or else I will be told to just sell all I have and rent a place. I feel so angry and sad when I hear him and his wife telling me this, because I don’t want to rent. If they would just make monthly payments for the rest of my life, I would be just fine. I am embarrassed to talk to anyone about this; I am smart enough to hang up on the scammers on the phone but never smart enough for him.
Thank you so much.
Dear Too Generous Mother,
First of all, you should forgive yourself for falling victim to your son. As mothers, we’re hard-wired to love and trust our children and to give them what they need. And sometimes the line between need and desire isn’t always evident until it’s been crossed, and we see it clearly only in hindsight. So let this burden go. It’s better to err on the side of generosity and trust with family.
Now it’s indeed a sad thing that your family bonds are being torn apart over money, so I’m not saying you shouldn’t have or acknowledge feelings of sadness. And, of course, it isn’t right for your grown son to borrow money and not pay it back, so there’s also an issue of injustice here that needs to be resolved.
There’s an important choice you can make to bring about a resolution: You can either pursue repayment through legal means (assuming, of course, this is available—please find someone knowledgeable and trustworthy to advise you), or forgive the debts.
