“Be the kind of man that improves the reputation of men.” This is advice from Ted Gonder, 32, husband and father, who is doing his best to live by his own counsel as he supports his wife and three kids.
What have people found so attention-grabbing about this letter?
Gonder, who at age 29 had just become a father to his third child, told The Epoch Times that he penned his letter as a means of processing his own emotions at the time. Three years after his original post, Gonder says the reactions have been “heartwarming and humbling.”
And that is just what he is trying to do. Here are a few highlights from the admonitions he would give to his younger self:
Talking about his experiences with marriage and parenting, Gonder says that he grew up as an only child and never planned to have children, but opened up to the idea after “falling in love” with his wife, Franziska, and “seeing what an amazing mom she’d be.”
He currently works to grow the software company Getro while co-parenting his three children with Franziska, 35, a somatic leadership coach for tech founders, high-performing women, and ambitious couples. The two raise their family in Germany. The couple decided early on that they would co-parent their children, working mostly from home until each of their children reached 5 years old. While that meant career changes for both professionally successful parents, Gonder says it has been “totally worth it.”
“When my wife is free to think creatively, the result is a beautiful experience for everyone in our family,” he said. “So outside of my job and also co-parenting each of our three kids, I see my role as blocking and tackling anything in our life that might prevent my wife from living her truest, fullest, most liberated, creative version of herself.”
Gonder’s post-parenthood workday, which is vastly different from the ones he had pre-parenthood, includes helping with the laundry and dishes, apart from managing family finances. “Before I became a parent, I worked 80–100 hours a week building companies, serving as a White House advisor, and flying around the world for conferences,“ he recalled. ”I had a 5 a.m. morning routine that included meditation, weights, reading, and writing. I had professional networking outings almost every evening.
“The hardest part of becoming a dad for me was how all of a sudden I went from having total control over my schedule and routines to now having to design my life around another person’s life. I became much more grounded, caring, empathetic, calm, and clearheaded after becoming a parent.”
“Becoming a parent starved my ego but fed my soul,” Gonder added.
It has given him a tall stack of unforgettable family moments, including movie nights, picnics on Lake Michigan, falling asleep with his children, strolling through Budapest, lazy Sunday art projects, watching the kids “conquer their fears” by bouldering and swimming, and family workouts to loud music—directed by the kids, of course.
And when it comes to schooling, the Gonders family believes that “the purpose of education is to help a child discover their inner element and outer interests.” They want their children to learn “how” to learn, to lead themselves and others, and to live with integrity—their outward behaviors aligning with their inward convictions.
Both parents attended traditional public schools, and Gonder says that he and his wife are still “unlearning” some of the ways of thinking that were instilled by that education. They love the Montessori approach and appreciate the principles of Waldorf learning, supporting the individual learning pace and self-directed interests of each child.
Gonder says that their oldest son is in first grade and is “excelling at reading and writing, faster than some of his peers,” so his teacher has let him move onto second-grade subject matter for that area of learning.
“We hope our sons become kind, loving, emotionally courageous men who wear their hearts on their sleeves, strive to help others, and lead by example in their communities. We hope they develop the skills to be self-reliant so that they aren’t a burden to others,” the proud dad said.
Even with what appear to be stellar parameters and goals for the family, Gonder still recognizes that there are some common mistakes that they have made—and that are made by other young couples new to parenting.
Instead of the divide-and-conquer mentality, Gonder says that families split up “too often” and says he has found that “showing up as a full family as often as possible is worth the sacrifice.” Other mistakes young parents make are complaining about their children to other parents, or trusting experts rather than one’s own intuition. Rather than relying entirely on advice from experts, Gonder suggests simply paying attention.
“If you’re just present and tuned in, you’ll know what soothes your child!” Gonder said. “You need to tune into your own child and put down your phone.”
When The Epoch Times asked Gonder if he had any other advice for young dads-to-be, he had some tidbits to add to his first letter about how to best support a partner before or after pregnancy.
Advising young couples before they embark on their journey to parenthood, Gonder says, “It’s time to graduate from boy psychology to man psychology.” He believes that it is wise to build a fitness habit to prepare oneself for all of the carrying, twisting, crawling, sleeping in odd positions, and being on the feet more than one is used to, apart from planning “a couple’s retreat with your wife to create a ‘family vision’ and turn it into a manifesto.”
And last but not the least, he says, remember to “remind your loving wife how beautiful she is, and that she’s enough!”
