We’ve all been through something difficult that inherently shapes who we are. Yoga philosophy calls it “samskaras,” or imprints of our past experiences. They are like tattoos, branded on our being.
The question I often ask myself is, to what extent do I let my past hurts affect me, or am I strong enough to move through them?
I don’t write very often about the turning point in my life, but now seems as good a time as any. I lost my father in 2005 in a plane crash. He was 52 years old and I loved him deeply.
He was an amazing father on every level, and the unexpected, tragic experience of his death has inspired me to live every day with gratitude and joy. You never know how much time you have, so it’s best to live it fully.
But this untimely accident also left some deep scars in my soul, and they affect me to this day. As I become more aware of myself with age and through becoming a mom, I see them more clearly, and it’s only recently that I’m beginning to even speak about them.
I’m scared to death of traveling without my son. They say that the chance of a plane crash is one in a million, but when the one in a million has happened to you, it’s difficult to convince yourself that it won’t happen again.
The idea of something happening to me and leaving my son behind is unthinkable and fills me with deep dread. Heaven forbid he should go through what I have or worst of all, be without his mom at a young age. I’m no longer scared for myself. It’s all about him.
I know it’s normal as a mom to worry about leaving your child and even to think of the worst-case scenarios, but I have a decent amount of mommy friends who have flown away from their children and done pretty well with it.
I’m lucky. I haven’t had to leave him for work or personal reasons. I’ve been able to take him with me when I’ve traveled, and the past two years I’ve been able to gloss over the fears.
But now, I’m building a business. I’m connecting with powerful people. I’m speaking to the universe and saying, “I’m ready to step into my calling—let’s DO THIS!”
But will it happen with this fear sitting right next to me? What happens if I get a great opportunity somewhere that necessitates flying, will I do it? Or will that opportunity simply not come because I’m still wrapped up in my fear?
I’ve decided, reader friends, to share this deep, dark part of myself with you to let you know that I’m working through my stuff too and I’m being real.
I know you have your own version of this to contend with or work through—something that has haunted you and kept you down in places where you want to rise up. What do we do with it? Do we plunge in? Do we back down?
I’m not sure. But I’m certain that talking about it, admitting it, dialoguing about it, does something positive.
Feel free to share with me or others about your own fears, your own journey, even something you’ve overcome.
Writing is Randi’s favorite way to share the profound experience of motherhood. As an NYC Mom, yogi, and entrepreneur, Randi creates bespoke workshops and gatherings for women who want to share the best ways to stay grounded and engaged, living life inspired. Follow her stories, events, and community at www.randizinn.com
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