Most of us have felt offended at a remark made by a close friend or a random comment on our social media. Even worse, the chances are that we have experienced the shock of hearing that others were offended by our comments—despite the fact that we had no intention of hurting them.
The words we use aren’t polite or impolite in and of themselves. Even the most offensive words can be generously used among close friends, as in-group solidarity markers, without anyone ever taking it to heart. It’s the context that determines the offensiveness of our words.
In the right context, we do of course take offense at explicitly rude language directed at us. But regardless of the words used, we also take offense at what was meant or implied rather than what was actually said. (“Were you implying that I’m not a good cook when you said ‘Pass me the salt’?”)
Clashes of Expectations or Values
In one of my research projects, which is based on more than 100 diary report forms in which participants told me stories of occasions where they felt offended, I discovered that our expectations are usually formed in the context of our relationships with others—and when they are breached, we tend to feel offended. I call these expectations interpersonal as they make the most sense in the context of particular relationships that we have with others. These can roughly be broken down into three different types, according to research by me and others.“Foreseeability expectations” drive us to expect others to predict the potentially negative impact of their words and actions, simply because we think they know us well. (“I did not expect to hear this from my best friend.”) Meanwhile, “reciprocity expectations” are based on hoping that our favors, gifts, or kindness are returned in kind. (“I stopped sending her birthday wishes when she forgot mine four years in a row.”) There are also “equity expectations,” which are about our desire to be treated fairly and equally. (“It offends me how dad always has my sister’s back, but never mine.”)
That said, we also take offense outside our personal relationships. For example, we may take offense at a comment on Facebook or Twitter which ridicules or questions something important to us, such as our nationality, political stance, or religion.
So, if you worry about causing offense, try to put yourself in the shoes of the people you are talking to. What could they realistically expect you to say, and are you treating them fairly?
You may not like what others are saying, but chances are you can take some comfort from knowing that what has offended you might be rooted in the many different experiences and worldviews we all have.