Dear Kathy,
I’ve been married for less than a year and I’m miserable. My husband was the most amazing boyfriend, but ever since we got married he’s completely different. I thought I really knew him after 4 years of dating. But since we got married, I feel like I’m living with a total stranger.
We met freshman year and dated all through college. We used to spend practically every day together and we talked about everything. He was my best friend. After we graduated and got married, he totally changed. Everything looks good on paper - he’s working as an engineer for a big company and he’s going for his M.B.A. The reality is that he goes to work earlier than me, works late a lot, and when he’s not at the office, he’s either in class or studying. I feel really alone. Whenever I try to get him to go biking or rollerblading or do any of the other things we used to love doing together, he says he has too much work to do and I should go out with one of my friends instead. We practically don’t do anything together anymore. All he ever does is work or study. When I try to talk to him about our problems, he tells me he’s working hard to give me a great life and I don’t appreciate it. He thinks giving me expensive presents makes up for ignoring me all the time.
To make things worse, my friends are always telling me how lucky I am because he’s so generous and never gets on my case about running up our credit cards. My mother-in-law tells me the same thing. My father-in-law had a stroke in his 40’s and couldn’t work afterwards, so she had to work a lot of over-time to pay the bills and they didn’t have money for extras. I know it was hard for them financially, but my family always had plenty of money and it’s not that big of a deal to me. I don’t care about stuff, I want to be with the man I fell in love with.
I only go to the mall because I’m lonely and bored. I'd much rather spend time with him than go shopping. What’s the point of being married if I’m always by myself? I feel like the honeymoon is definitely over.
Miserable New Wife
Dear New Wife,
It seems as though you and your husband are getting your signals crossed. Perhaps your husband is working so hard to make sure that you can live a life of privilege which his mother could only dream about. Perhaps he’s afraid that he, like his father, may become disabled at a young age and be unable to provide for you. Perhaps the two of you have different “love languages.” People love others in the manner they themselves feel loved. He probably doesn’t realize that you crave quality time with him more than his acts of service (applying himself at work and school) and giving you gifts. I suggest that you research Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages. It may be an eye-opener for both of you.
The first year of marriage is a huge transition. I encourage you to seek out a good counselor to help you over the bumps. You can find bios for marriage counselors in your area on the AAMFT (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists) website. I can also recommend a support group made up of other couples. EGPS (Eastern Group Psychotherapy Society) lists groups as well as bios of group therapists. I’ve been married over 20 years and the first year was the hardest by far. Hang in there and reach out for support when you need it!
All the best,
Kathy
P.S. Readers, please post encouraging comments and feedback for this frustrated new wife. I look forward to reading your letters at [email protected]. Although I can’t respond to all of your letters, I do read each and every one of them and I love hearing from you!
