Dear Kathy,
I am almost 60 years old but every time my large extended family gathers they treat me like I’m in kindergarten. I’m the youngest child in my family and the youngest of my generation of cousins and when I was younger I was the family entertainer.
That was 50 years ago but they still treat me like a 5 year old. They refuse to call me by my real first name and when I get annoyed at being called by my childhood nickname they tease me about it.
My husband and children laugh right along with them at the 100th re-telling of the same tired old stories from when I was a child. That makes me even angrier. I enjoy getting together less and less with my extended family members as the years go by.
We’re invited to my aunt’s for Thanksgiving but I’m considering making other plans this year. Just the thought of one more holiday spent being ribbed by all of them is unbearable.
Stick a fork in me because I’m done. How can I get them to see that I grew up a long time ago?
Fuming
Dear Friend,
It is common for people to become stuck in family roles which become constricting as they are outgrown. Fifty years is a long time to be the family baby. I don’t blame you for feeling irritated.
My suggestion is a divide and conquer approach. Start with your husband and your children. Arrange opportunities to meet with them one-on-one and speak to them from the heart. Tell them how it makes you feel to be spoken to and about as though you’re a preschooler instead of the mature adult you have become.
Be specific about what you want from them in terms of support. Do you want them to change the subject if an extended family member starts telling a childhood story in which you have the starring role? Do you want them to back you up when you raise an objection to being addressed by your nickname? Do you want them to say their good-byes and follow you out when you’ve had your fill and are ready to go home?
Give it some serious thought beforehand so that you are clear in your own mind regarding what you are going to ask of them. Once you have spoken to your immediate family, take the same approach with your extended family members. Make it clear that you love them and want to enjoy spending time with them, however, you are setting some new ground rules that are non-negotiable. Be kind but firm and be very specific about what you want.
We teach others how to treat us. Addressing this issue in a mature manner is the best way to demonstrate that baby is all grown up. Prior to your next get-together, remind your husband and children that you are depending on their support. You may consider making a few reminder phone calls to extended family members you’ve spoken to, as well.
Despite good intentions, it is difficult to create new patterns of behavior and so easy to slip back into old ones. Expect a two steps forward and one step back trajectory until your family members get used to the new order.
If you get discouraged, try to remind yourself that many people have no one to spend the holidays with. Even with the current aggravations, you are blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love you and cherish their childhood memories of you!
Please send in an update after your next get-together and let us know how things worked out.
All my best,
Kathy
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