If you care for or know someone with dementia, they’ve probably asked you “what are we doing today?”, “who are you?”, or “when are we going home?” And often, frustratingly, they forget the answer quickly and ask the question again … and again … and again.
Anyone asked the same question over and over will eventually respond impatiently, which is not good for the person with dementia, or their carer’s stress levels.
Imagine a husband is in the early stages of dementia, and every day he repeatedly asks his wife “what are we doing today?”
Wife: we have a doctor’s appointment at 1:30pm.
Husband: (ten minutes later) hey, what are we doing today?
Wife: I just told you, we have a doctor’s appointment at 1:30pm.
Husband: (five minutes later) what are we doing today?
Wife: (getting frustrated now, and slightly raising her voice) what did I just tell you? We are going to the doctor at 1:30!
Husband: (getting upset at his wife’s tone) Well how am I supposed to know? I don’t remember you telling me that.
The wife will feel guilty for getting angry with her husband. She knows it’s not his fault but finds it so frustrating to have to respond repeatedly to the same questions over and over.
Imagine a mother in the moderate to severe stages of dementia, cared for by her daughter. Sometimes in the evening, the mother asks her daughter “when are we going home?”
Daughter: we are at home, Mum.
Mother: I want to go home now, when are we going home?
Daughter: Mum, we’re already at home. Look, there’s a photo of you and Dad on the mantelpiece there.
Mother: (sounding more confused and starting to become agitated) I don’t know how that got there. I’m tired now; I’m ready to go home. When are we going home?
Daughter: (becoming frustrated) Mum, I don’t know how I can make you understand. Look, here are all your things (pointing around the room). You are at home already!
Mother: Don’t yell at me, just take me home! I don’t want to be here!
What Is the Best Way to Respond?
