Dear Kathy,
I am very angry with my sister and I don’t know how to resolve it. The holidays are around the corner and I want to work things out with her beforehand. I don’t want Thanksgiving to be awkward.
My parents are in their eighties and my sister is single. So, we wind up being the ones that have everyone over all the time. My kids are too young to help and my husband is on disability for a back injury, which leaves me to do all the cooking and cleaning.
This past August, we invited my sister and my parents over for a barbeque. The day before they were supposed to come, my cousin called me and told me to expect her and her family, too. My sister invited her to come over without even asking me beforehand if it was okay.
The five of them showed up with her parents, too. I was expecting three people and I wound up with a houseful. My mother is old and I don’t expect her to help out in the kitchen and my cousin is pregnant. But my sister is young and healthy and never lifted a finger to help me. She hung out and enjoyed everyone’s company after dinner while I did all the cleaning up.
I was still in the kitchen doing dishes when everyone left. And I had to go to work the next day, too. My sister is a teacher and is off in the summer. I’m sure she just slept in the next morning.
My sister does this kind of thing all the time. She feels sorry for herself because she never got married and she expects everyone to wait on her because we’re the “lucky” ones who have families. In her mind, it’s the very least we can do.
If I say anything, my mother jumps all over me because she thinks I should be grateful for my family and more compassionate towards my sister who’s alone. My mom feels bad that my sister doesn’t have anyone to take care of her. But I’m sick to death of being volunteered for the job. I take care of two kids and a disabled husband and I work full-time, July and August included. Who’s taking care of me??
Irritated to Death,
“Vera”
Dear “Vera,”
We teach others how to treat us. It sounds as though you could use a vacation from being the family hostess. Give yourself permission to do just that.
Evaluate your options with your husband and make a different choice for yourself than you have in the past. You can plan a potluck holiday dinner for the usual crowd or a quiet holiday at home with your own immediate family members, visit your in-laws or other extended family members, go to a restaurant and include your parents and sister (or not), or make some other creative arrangements.
Take a deep breath and do something different this year, even if it’s sitting down with your sister and explaining that you will need her help to cook and clean from now on in order to be able to host future get-togethers because it is simply too much work for you to do alone. Be specific about what you want and remain calm. Keep to the facts, don’t get personal. Make up your mind and stick to your guns. I have a good feeling that you'll be just fine!
Happy Holidays,
Kathy
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