Did Peter Pan really need an origin story? Is it perhaps a bit too much desperation in Hollywood’s never-ending search for fresh product? Is the venerable Pan story too classic for that? Should we really be concerned?
The good news is, um … no? Also good news is that it’s not abominable. It’s actually not that bad—for children. Maybe a little dark. But children these days have already seen much, much worse. In fact, considering what they can avail themselves of, on the down-low, away from the eyes of parents—this “Pan” could almost be considered therapeutic.
I say “almost.” Blackbeard at one point shouts, “You shall be rewarded with confectionary!” Children love confectionary more than life itself. But that doesn’t mean it’s good for them. Sugar is bad. This “Pan” is cinematic confectionary. Therefore, “Pan” may only taste good, and not actually be good for them.
Away to Neverland
Little Peter (Levi Miller) is a courageous boy in a Dickensian orphanage with nasty nuns, amid World War II London bombings and buzzing Nazi Messerschmitts everywhere.
He and his buddies like to do a little nightly ninja-ing about in the orphanage, raiding pantries, finding fun food, foiling fat nuns. This is a jolly good time for small viewers.
But they get snatched! Out of their beds and high into the sky by clowns, no wait—pirates! On big bungee-cords! Up-up-up to flying galleons belonging to the terrible (and terribly toupee'd) pirate Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman)!
Off they fly, avoiding Messerschmitt bombardment by elevating up and away, where the air is too thin for mundane prop-planes, and soon Blackbeard is standing in a very Mad Max-like place, (the latest one, with Charlize Theron) a great canyon of stone, hollering down to his legions of minions (who are miners) giving a motivational speech!
And then everyone sings Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” together like an anthem. Naturally. What else? Why would you even begin to question that choice of song? Kurt Cobain may roll over in his grave, but your kids are happy because they may know this song. You certainly do, millennial parent, and so you smile and sing along.
There’s “Pixum” in them thar hills. It’s not a metal, you see, but crystallized fairy dust. “Pixum”… “pixie,” get it? Blackbeard hoovers pixum powder up his schnozz so he can stay eternally young. Like a fairy. Can you see why a detailed synopsis might be beside the point?
Okay a Tiny Bit More Synopsis
Suffice to say, Captain Hook (Garrett Hedlund) is here, but he’s not that dastardly guy yet, he’s just a nice young man (if a bit disingenuous and smarmy around women) not having had any crocodile-bit-his-hand-off-necessitating-a-hook-hence-his-name trauma yet. So why is he already named Hook? We don’t know. We don’t care.
