Dear Kathy,
I am 33 years old, attractive, athletic, interesting, and I have a great job. I want to get married, but every guy I meet who’s not already with someone, or a jerk, is phobic when it comes to commitment.
I have a big group of friends facing the same problem. We’ve all been in relationships with terrific guys who “don’t want to ruin what we have together.” The end result is that we date year after year and never get a proposal.
Do you have any insight into this phenomenon? I'd love some advice.
Sick of Being Single
Dear Bride-to-be,
I do have some insight for you, as well as advice. In the pre-feminist era, women’s options were limited in both the professional and personal sphere.
On the personal front, women who were sexually active prior to marriage were stigmatized. Therefore, female pre-marital sexual activity was counter-culture. One of the reasons men proposed in those days was the prospect of a lifetime of unrestricted sexual activity - it was a big motivator.
Am I suggesting that it is a good idea to base one’s decision to marry solely on sexual desire? No, I am not. However, if the men you and your friends date are receiving all of the benefits of marriage without making an emotional commitment, there is inherently less of an incentive to propose marriage.
Additionally, how can you hope to differentiate between men who truly care for you and those who are using you for sex? You may be wasting months, or even years, dating men who say all the right things but are only interested in a casual sexual connection.
My advice to you and your friends is to either embrace celibacy until marriage, or at least until monogamy. The guys who are interested in casual sex will run for the hills and the ones that stick around are more likely than not potential marital prospects.
I also advise you and your friends to consider throwing a “Bring a Man” party. Each of you comes to the party with a good man who is interested in a serious relationship, however, not with the woman who brought him. Neighbors, co-workers, and brothers are all good prospects. Dating in the current age is tough on guys, too. The rules have changed for all of us.
Please let me know how your search for Mr. Right progresses. I have a huge burden for women who are single and looking. It’s tough out there.
All my best,
Kathy
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