A majority of Americans now fret about having angry exchanges with relatives over politics during holiday gatherings—enough to consider skipping them, according to a survey from the American Psychological Association.
But experts told The Epoch Times that Thanksgiving and Christmas interactions don’t have to cause conflict and stress. The best way to keep tension at bay is to arrive at gatherings—especially those with family members with strong feelings about their differing political views—with a plan, they said.
Focusing on the connection with loved ones and remembering why they are important to you is the goal, experts advised.
Prickly Post-Election Predicament
During last year’s holiday season, more than 7 in 10 adults said they hoped to avoid painful political discussions with family over the holidays, according to the survey.Nearly 2 in 5 adults said they were “stressed by the thought of politics coming up at holiday gatherings,” the survey found. Just days after the 2024 election, almost 40 percent said they planned to completely avoid family members with whom they disagreed.
The younger the adults, the more likely they were to be planning to avoid family over the holidays to avoid disagreements. Of those aged 18 to 34, 45 percent said they’d stay away from relatives during the holiday season.
Only 23 percent of the 65-and-over crowd said that steering clear of family was their plan.
Staying disconnected isn’t the only way to avoid arguments, experts told The Epoch Times.
During this season characterized by gratitude and wishes of joy and peace, there are solid steps that can help prevent or diffuse friction, they said.
The key to avoiding tension often is as easy as redirecting conversation when controversial topics arise, such as the ideologies of Republicans versus Democrats, said Robin Steele, founder and executive director of the Florida Academy of Etiquette and Protocol.
Robin Steele, founder and executive director of the Florida Academy of Etiquette and Protocol. Courtesy of Robin Steele
“If someone asks you something that you don’t wish to answer, you can always change the subject,” Steele said.
It’s simple, she said. Just ask questions about the other person. That will help establish common ground and veer away from topics that could cause conflict.
“Talk about the children, the family, what they’ve been up to, their career, or something like that,” Steele suggested.
Drawing a bystander into a conversation that’s heating up also can provide a graceful diversion.
Sidestep Topics That Spark Anger
If someone keeps pushing to talk about a subject likely to cause tempers to flare, “you can tell them that you’d rather not discuss that,” she said. “And then if they continue to not get the hint, then you just walk away.”Psychotherapist Colette Fehr of Orlando coaches couples and others on healthy communication. She’s among the relationship experts reporting a rise in political division within families.
“In our Trump era, conservative and liberal [differences] have divided families more than anything,” said Fehr, author of “The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love,” set to be released in February.
Avoiding a conversation isn’t always necessary, she said. Sometimes, it’s worthwhile to address tough topics with grace and honesty if the relationship is a close one, she said.
“But maybe not in the middle of the Thanksgiving dinner.”
When the relationship is not as close, it’s often wise to sidestep topics that can spark anger.
“There’s a time and a place when it makes sense to redirect,” she said. “You can really just shift gently by saying, ‘You know, this is such a great day. I’m enjoying my time with you. Let’s talk about something lighter.’”
For those relationships in which uncomfortable conversations aren’t going to resolve anything, she recommends approaching the gathering with a strategy.
She suggests coming up with a few lines in advance to help dodge hot-button topics, such as, “I’d love to hear what’s exciting in your life these days,” or, “What’s the most fun thing on your calendar right now?”
Psychotherapist Colette Fehr of Orlando, Fla., listens to a client in her office on Feb. 2, 2025. Courtesy of Colette Fehr
Using humor also can be a powerful tool during moments of disagreement, said Patricia Dixon, Ph.D, a Tampa-based clinical psychologist.
“A light-hearted joke can diffuse tension and remind everyone that it’s OK to laugh, even amid disagreements,” Dixon said in an email.
But it’s important to think it through, to be sure the jesting won’t hurt any feelings, she said.
And before you arrive at a gathering that feels intimidating, it can help to tell yourself how long you’ll stay, Fehr said.
It also helps to identify a trusted ally you can seek out if conversations become extra challenging.
“You’ve got to go into it with realistic expectations and a really great attitude, [thinking] that, ‘This is one day and I’m here for connection, and I’m here to celebrate with people and not to get into a political debate,’” Fehr said.
‘We’re in a Danger Zone’
Without a strategy for dealing with tense talk, it’s more likely that hurtful things will be blurted out, and that’s often what leads to cut-offs—when family members decide to no longer speak or gather, she said.“We’re in a danger zone right now, where people are cutting people off left and right,” Fehr said, referring to the current political climate in the United States.
“It’s becoming a bit too common. And emotional cut-offs in families cause a lot of damage. They just replace one source of pain with another.”
When there’s a risk of a cut-off over disagreements at a holiday gathering, it’s best to show caution and completely avoid controversial subjects, she said.
“It’s wise to say, ‘Look, we don’t agree, but I love you, and I don’t want this to come between us, so let’s just agree not to talk about this,’” Fehr said. “And in a way, you’re not really avoiding, because you’re addressing it and you’re being proactive.”
She practices this strategy with some of her own family members, she said.
She goes into gatherings with the outlook that “I know I’m not going to change their mind, and that’s not my job, and I don’t want to damage the relationship.”
“It’s just not worth it.”
