Dear Kathy,
For the past few years, my sister’s boys stay with our family for a week over the summer and our boys stay with her family for a week. The kids all have a great time and have become more like brothers than cousins, even though we live several states away. When I picked my boys up from her home a couple of weeks ago, everything was the same as usual. We spent the night at her place, barbecued, and caught up on each others’ lives. We had an early breakfast and before we headed out, things were fine between our families. Since then, she hasn’t returned my phone calls or responded to me on Facebook. That’s very out of character - we always post our kids’ summer pictures together on Facebook and comment on them. My boys haven’t been able to get ahold of their cousins, either. I was worried and I called my mom to see if she knew what was going on with them.
My mom told me that my sister is really angry with me because my boys told their cousins that their parents met in rehab. My sister and her husband met each other in a drug treatment facility 11 years ago. They got married, stayed clean, and they’re great people. I respect both of them a lot for everything they’ve accomplished. They’re very open about their past and run Narcotics Anonymous meetings in their area. I just assumed their kids knew about their history, especially since they’re teen-agers and not little kids anymore. Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Apparently, the kids were talking about how their parents met each other and my sisters’ boys told our kids that their parents met at church. My older boy innocently told his cousins that their parents met in a residential treatment program, not an N.A. meeting in church. My nephews didn’t know what he was talking about. They didn’t even know what N.A. was.
It seems that after my boys left, my nephews asked their dad whether he and their mom were really drug addicts. My sister and brother-in-law weren’t planning to tell their kids until they were adults and they feel like we violated their trust. I never would have said anything if I knew how they felt. My mom told me that I’m completely in the wrong, I should have minded my own business instead of sharing their personal information with my kids and she doesn’t blame my sister for not wanting her boys to spend time with mine anymore. My kids are heart-broken. I’ve apologized to my sister’s answering machine and I e-mailed her an apology. She won’t respond. How can we get past this if she won’t even talk to me?
Remorseful in Raleigh
Dear Loving Aunt,
You have learned the hard way that it is important to ask people if and how they want their personal information shared rather than making uninformed assumptions. I hear your pain and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It is clear that you meant no harm and neither did your son. However, your sister and her husband were blind-sided by their boys’ questions about their drug history. This is certainly not the way that they intended to broach this sensitive issue with their children. So, despite your respect for your sister’s and her husband’s achievements, they feel stung by what feels like your disrespect for their family boundaries. It is an unfortunate situation in which the kids are the ones losing out. Sadly, there really isn’t any more that you can do than you have already done. You own your responsibility in the situation and you’ve apologized. All you can do now is wait until your sister’s anger recedes enough for her to be open to re-connection. Give her the space she needs right now and the likelihood is that, in time, she'll reach out to you. Her children are most likely every bit as heart-broken as yours are and will be encouraging their mother to forgive you. Just give it time.
I strongly suspect that by Thanksgiving or Christmas she'll be in a more forgiving state of mind. Please let me know how things work out. Readers, if you have experienced a similar situation which ended well, please share your story. This remorseful aunt can use a word of encouragement from you. As always, I welcome you to comment on this post. Your feedback is important to me.
Send your letters to [email protected]. It is always my pleasure to hear from you!
Kathy
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