The Mommy Wars

The Mommy Wars
Katherine Smith
11/4/2013
Updated:
4/24/2016

Dear Kathy,

     My child attends Kindergarten at our local elementary school and I’m one of the two class mothers. I work part-time from home and my hours are flexible enough for me to participate in all of the school’s activities. Other mothers who work and have kids in the class don’t have the same luxury. They either have to miss work or miss out on their children’s school programs.

     At our PTA meeting last month, a couple of the working moms complained that all of the class programs that include parents are during the day and they can’t attend. They asked the principal to schedule some activities later in the day to accommodate working parents. 

     I suggested to the other class mother that we should plan a pajama party and movie in the early evening for the Kindergartners and their parents. She told me that if the other mothers cared about their kids, they'd take the day off and come in during regular school hours to participate in activities with their children. Then she said that it was selfish of them to expect everyone else to stay late on their account.

     The conversation turned into an argument and the next day a couple of the other stay-at-home moms put in their two cents worth while we were waiting to pick our kids up after school. I don’t understand why my suggestion caused such a firestorm. I just want to accommodate everyone. Isn’t that what being a volunteer at school is supposed to be all about?

“Tania”

Dear “Tania,”

     Welcome to “The Mommy Wars.” A couple of generations ago, the overwhelming majority of women followed one path - they married and had children, staying at home full-time to raise them. Women who chose to remain single, childless, or become working mothers were few and far between. Working mothers in past generations were often demonized as selfish and neglectful.  

     The societal tables have turned and, presently, those women who choose to remain home full-time are often stigmatized as less ambitious and less capable than their working counterparts. These attitudes on both sides are polarizing. Each camp is guilty of lashing out against the other defensively. Regrettably, this negative cycle just goes round and round and we are all lessened for it.

     Women who are mothers, the majority of whom are currently in the workforce, do their best to juggle the myriad responsibilities related to work and family. It is a Herculean task and the balancing act oftentimes requires sacrifice on both fronts. I personally hope that one day we can support our sisters on whichever road they choose to journey, assisting one another along the way. What a gift that would be to all of our daughters - life choices that are unfettered from the modern-day damned if you do and damned if you don’t philosophies which continue to persist.

     I agree with your stance of accommodating as many parents as possible. That is exactly what volunteering is all about. Stay above the fray and continue to include everyone as much as possible!

Sincerely,

Kathy

Readers, I welcome your comments on this heated topic with one proviso,  please use “I” statements and refrain from criticizing others’ life choices. Let’s keep it positive! I look forward to your letters at [email protected].

    

 

is a licensed marriage and family therapist as well as a gifted divorce mediator in NYC. She is a former high school English teacher and college counselor with a passion for enhancing the lives of others. Additionally, Katherine has extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, family systems, and group therapy. Readers can contact her at [email protected].
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