Should I Leave My Husband for My Lover?

April 8, 2015 Updated: April 23, 2016

Dear Kathy,

     I’ve been married for 9 years and we have two kids together but the spark is gone. I love “Bob” as a friend, not a lover.

     Four months ago, I met another man and the chemistry between us is electric. We’ve been meeting at his place, hotels, and friends’ places.

     My husband is getting suspicious and my boyfriend has begun insisting that I make a decision – either commit to moving in with him or let him go so he can find someone he can make a life with.

     I don’t know what to do. I love both of them in different ways and I know it’s better for my kids if I stay with Bob. But don’t I deserve happiness, too?

     I am filled with anxiety because I feel torn in two. I really need your advice. Please help.


Dear Samantha,

     Statistically, only 10% of relationships which begin as affairs work out long-term. The primary reason for this is that most affairs occur as a result of a void in the marital relationship.

     I strongly encourage you to work on your relationship with your husband for your own sake, not just your children’s. I recommend Emotionally Focused Therapy (E.F.T.) for couples. It is highly effective and evidence-based.

     If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will understand your precarious position and give you the time and emotional space to figure things out. This is a huge decision, make it carefully.

All my best,

Katherine Smith, LMFT