After a long and strange cultural bout that denied basic biology, the notion that there are men and there are women—two sexes—seems to have made a return. Perhaps not in academia yet. But maybe someday that will happen in those realms, too.
As for popular culture, the idea of men and women as distinct and not interchangeable sexes is returning at least.
The first time I heard the claim that someone was nonbinary was some 10 years ago. Ironically, it was said into a microphone in protest of a speaker who was a man who claimed to have become a woman. The questioner was upset—not because of the impossible claim to have changed sexes, but because the speaker dared to draw any binary distinction between the two at all.
I knew at that moment that this crazy movement was not sustainable. Once you toss out a rational understanding of biology, all bets are off.
Let’s presume that we are over this period in our history and that we now understand chromosomal basics. We also understand some other implications of these basics, such as the fact that men cannot bear children and that women do. What are the implications of these observations socially and culturally?
Fortunately, we have before us hundreds of years of protocols of engagement. They evolved with civilization itself as a means of facilitating greater degrees of social peace and minimizing the potential for conflict. They are rooted in a core acknowledgment that men are in general physically stronger than women but that women possess the mystical superpower of bearing children. The results are what we once called manners.
Even these days, you can encounter examples. A gentleman of a certain age whom I know will always stand at table when a woman arrives to sit down. If she is going to be seated next to him, he will stand behind her chair and touch the chair as if to push it in. It’s not a grandiose gesture but a gentle one, habitual rather than performative. Observing this unfold in several cases, I have seen that it is obviously appreciated by the woman every time.
What does this small ritual imply? Does it suggest that the woman needs help sitting down? Not at all. It is an act of deference by the man toward the woman, a small recognition that extra respect is owed to the woman. This is a small means by which the power between the two sexes is equalized, the man giving of his strength and power to the protection and care of the supersex.
Of course, it does not literally mean this. It is just a cultural trope, but one with deep and important roots. The same is true of other such manners. This is why men are to hold doors for women. It is not because the patriarchy believes that women cannot open doors. It is a cultural symbol of deference, of the man’s willingness to give over his physical power to the protection and care of women, thus easing potential conflict stemming from unequal physical attributes.
This is why a gentleman should always open the car door for the woman insofar as it is possible. It truly pains me to see this happen otherwise, and this is very common. Ladies, if you are going on a date and the man gets in the car, leaving you standing on the street, I strongly suggest that you decline to get in and simply walk away. If nothing else, this might teach a lesson.
Again, this is not because women cannot open a car door. It is a cultural demonstration that a man is willing to deploy his physical power—a biological reality—in service of the furtherance of humankind via a woman’s capacity for giving birth. It does not literally need to be true in every case. These are norms and habits that have evolved over time that speak to a sophisticated and genteel understanding of relations between the sexes.
It’s why men should give up seats to women on public transit and other places. It’s why when it is cold outside, men should lend women their coats or at least offer.
It’s the same with hat tipping, which you see even now from time to time. It seems to have medieval origins, as knights would lift their helmets to women to reveal their identities. It is again a symbol of deference and respect, a visual cue that the knight is nonviolent toward the fairer sex. That comes down to us in the most subtle ways, which you can see now in old movies when gentlemen touch the brim of their hats and slightly tip their heads.
It’s why men stroll street side when with a woman, and why the man sleeps near the door when with a woman in bed. The idea is to fight off invaders, intruders, and random acts of violence because men are especially suited to that role.
All these habits and norms are methods for men to continually signal to women, “I am not a threat; rather, I’m a protector in your service personally and culturally.” Even aside from the literal symbolism, such gestures generally make the social order more decorous and well-functioning. A man who refuses to do this is also signaling the opposite. He is saying, “I don’t care about manners at all and I might indeed be a danger.”
At some point in the 1960s and 1970s, the second wave of feminism made an enormous error in interpreting all these small symbolic gestures as condescending and paternalistic. I can open my own door, they said. All sorts of misguided feminist scholars came to ridicule chivalrous habits as implicitly disdainful of women, whereas the truth was exactly the opposite.
Well, you can see where this led. Men were suddenly off the hook for complying with customs, and sure enough, the perception grew that men truly were a threat to women. They literally became brutes.
Over time, this kind of feminism exacerbated suspicions and conflicts between the sexes, eventually bleeding into a litigation explosion, exploitative claims of harassment and hostility, and an eventual breakdown even of the core distinction between men and women. Once the mores and customs are gone, every evil crawls out of the cultural woodwork to debase everything and everyone.
None of the trajectory here should shock us. Traditions exist for a reason even if we do not understand them. This is why it is best to defer to them. We cannot always anticipate the cruel consequences of willy-nilly throwing them away.
For years, I’ve heard men protest that they will not hold a door for a woman because, at some point, some feminist yelled at them for doing so. I somehow doubt that this ever happened and suspect that these stories are apocryphal. In any case, it hardly matters. I’ve never known a woman who objects to basic manners such as holding doors, standing at table, rising when a woman leaves, and so on.
These little gestures evolved for a reason, mostly rooted in biology but revealing and instantiating themselves as mores, norms, tropes, and habits of a civilized people. Those who think that they can do without are contributing to degradation and conflict.
My final message: Shape up, men! On the plane, if a woman needs a bag from the luggage compartment, offer to help. Stand when she arrives at table and when she leaves. Hold the door. And so on. These are not costly habits and they contribute to healing the wounds of the past decades that their disregard and deprecation have inflicted.
Bring back manners and you bring back stability, coherence, and humanity to the social order.
