Lessons Learned in 54 Years of Married Life

Orlean and Kurt Koehle at their wedding reception in Roberts, Idaho, on Aug. 1, 1969. (Courtesy of Orlean Koehle)

Commentary

Today is my husband’s and my 54th wedding anniversary. I guess a marriage that has lasted this long is beginning to be quite unusual in our world today.

I just read that the U.S. now has the sixth-highest divorce rate in the world. According to 2023 statistics from WorldPopulationReview.com, about 44 percent of marriages in our nation today end in divorce.

I wanted to pass on to anyone reading this article my “Five Lessons Learned in Our 54 Years of Married Life.” That’s one nice thing about reaching my age (I turn 80 this year)—people think maybe you are “old and wise,” and maybe they will pay more attention and take your advice.

So I am hoping these five lessons will be adopted by others and can help you to have a happier marriage and happier relationships as well.

1. Start the Day With Scripture Reading and Prayer Together

That is what attracted me to Kurt when we were dating in our college days. He suggested that we meet each morning before our classes and study scripture together and have a morning prayer.

It was a beautiful way to start the day and helped me to see a wonderful spiritual side to Kurt. I also agree that your relationship is more blessed when you include the Lord in it.

We try now to have a prayer together at 7:14 every morning. Why that time of day? It’s to remember the promise made in 2 Chronicles 7:14 that if we humble ourselves and pray and “turn from our wicked ways” and “seek the Lord,” the Lord will hear our prayer and “forgive our sins and heal our nation.”

In our prayer, we ask for the Lord’s blessings for ourselves, our health, our children, our grandchildren, and specific things about our state and our nation.

Almost every day, we express in our prayers how thankful we are that we still have each other and that we are both alive and well. Just two years ago, Kurt had a close call with leukemia, and we all thought he was dying, but miraculously, he recovered. He has had other health issues since, but right now, his health is pretty good, for which we are very grateful. He turned 81 in May.

2. Honor and Respect Your Spouse’s Agency

Each person has his own free will or agency. The only person you have the ability to change or the right to try to change is yourself, not your spouse.

When you change yourself and your attitude, it might have an effect on your spouse, or maybe not. You may give suggestions, but in a kind manner, not by force or abuse.

3. Realize Who Has Control Over Your Own Emotions

It is you, yourself. You get to choose to be angry or upset or not.

You cannot say, “That person just made me so furious that I lost my temper!” No, you made yourself furious, and it was your temper you lost. You get to choose to have a different reaction if you want.

4. Validate Your Spouse

Look for the good things and point them out. My mother taught her three daughters to “accentuate the positive and avoid the negative” in our relationships with each other and with our friendships as well.

Whatever you accentuate grows and gets bigger. That is why you want to point out the positive things—not the negative.

My mother had her master’s degree in special education and was a special ed teacher. She accentuated the positive in how she treated her students. She praised the good things they did and what she liked about them and tried to ignore the negative.

She had a happy classroom, and her children flourished and grew to the best of their abilities because they knew they were loved and validated by their teacher. That validation spread to the way the children treated each other as well.

5. Practice the Golden Rule

Treat each other as you would want to be treated. Treat your spouse with the same kindness and respect with which you would like to be treated.

I think these five points can help in all relationships with others. And for those of you who are married, I hope these five points can help you have a much happier and long-lasting marriage.

Views expressed in this article are opinions of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Epoch Times.