Can Social Etiquette Return?

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Commentary

The point of social etiquette, and rules of behavior in general, is not to show off your class or upbringing. It is not about being snooty. The point is to treat others with dignity and make them feel valued as a result. The rules have evolved over time and come to be codified in books and teachings as a shortcut, so that every generation won’t have to reinvent them.

This is on my mind, since my article on dinner parties seems to have unleashed a torrent of commentary and personal communication. If what I’m hearing is correct, it’s been many years since most people have held a house party or dinner or been invited to one themselves. This is supremely heartbreaking to me and confirms an intuition I’ve had that basic social protocols have broken down.

If we are to forge them back into reality—we can and we must—we do well to remember that such occasions do impart obligations on all sides. It is not enough merely to issue invitations and hold a party. Anyone attending such an intimate benefaction as a dinner party has to perform certain protocols in return.

Keep in mind a main reason why these practices have fallen on such hard times. Only recently, the government and media tried to convince us that our communities, friends, and family members were a threat to our well-being. They were disease vectors—everyone—and we had best stay away or stand no closer than six feet from them.

Did this messaging and protocol, designed to replace the management of human relationships of all of human history, have an effect? Most certainly. People lost confidence in being around each other, along with losing the practical side of how to mutually affirm each other. After all, we were told not to visit grandparents and not to let our children next to their friends.

It’s up to us now to rebuild how things are supposed to work. Forgive me if some of this is old hat to you; it probably is. What we need more than ever is a restatement of basic principles and practices for how to develop community. Below I’ve crafted some dos and don’ts as a way of making the most out of your dinner party invitation.

When you get an invitation with an RSVP, respond. We are all overwhelmed with spam and it is sometimes hard to tell the difference between what is real and what is a grift. We might be tempted to delete a message with four simple letters: RSVP. It is from the French for “please respond.” Why French? Probably because most of our existing manners trace to the court of Louis XIV. Regardless, everyone in the world adopted it. It means: Please answer yes or no. If you want to retain your friendship, do so.

Dress the part. People think of how they dress as a matter of self-expression. It is not. It is about what you say about others. Are you showing respect toward the occasion and those who are there or not? For women, this means pulling out your best—not the sequins or ballgowns, but something impressive. For men, it means coats and ties or at least something respectable other than jeans and tees. Don’t worry about being overdressed because that sin exists mostly as a myth: It hardly ever happens. Dressing up is never an error. It honors your hosts.

Bring a gift. It’s strange to have to say this, but you simply may not show up to an evening event empty-handed. It’s too odd. You risk being dismissed as a pure taker and not a giver. It can be the smallest box of chocolates or an inexpensive bottle of wine or loaf of bread. In some ways, it doesn’t really matter. You just must have something in hand.

Be charming. It might strike you as strange to hear this, but only one thing is expected of a guest at any event. You only need to be charming. That means to bring delight to others. Nothing more. That means putting on a smile, listening to others, engaging with delightful observations, and celebrating others around you. That means not starting, much less winning, arguments. There is plenty of time for that on social media. In the presence of others, your job is to bring the light. Nothing more.

Make a toast. Too many parties come and go without a central moment. The host and hostess should make time for a toast, but few do. In that case, it really does fall to you. Clink your glass, put on a smile, say something uplifting, and invite everyone to drink to such and such. That’s all. If there comes a time in the evening when you sense that events are winding down, trust your instincts. Go for it.

Send a thank-you note. To a certain generation, having to say this might seem absurd. But it must be said. You cannot ever fail to send a note of thanks. It should not begin with the words “thank you,” but instead with something more creative: “It’s bitter cold outside but your house last night was warm with friendship and good feelings. We want to thank you so much for including us as part of the festivities.” These days, it can be text and doesn’t have to be a handwritten note. Surely this is not asking too much.

Now we get to the nitty-gritty of what not to do.

Don’t rub your invitation in the face of others. This is really tricky, but you cannot mention to your other friends that you have been invited to so-and-so’s house lest they have not been invited and thereby made to feel badly about it. Being mum about an invitation takes genuine discipline. Recently I bumped into a good friend at a party about which he had told me nothing nor I him. It must be this way.

And by the way, this is the real problem of the incessant posting of private events on social media: It makes others feel resentment at their exclusion. All I’m saying is: Please be cautious and sensitive. Our private goings-on are not always the public’s business.

Don’t gossip. This is an extension of the above. Being charming does not mean trashing the reputation of other people in your social circle. As best you can, resist the temptation. Gossip is always unseemly. It is going to happen regardless, but you can develop discipline to avoid being a practitioner of it.

Don’t complain about your plight. As part of the rule of being charming, avoid complaining about anything personal. Yes, everyone knows: You are overworked, underpaid, undervalued, and face myriad personal and financial problems. That litany is ubiquitous. No one really cares, even if they claim otherwise. Your job is to find delight in life and share it with others. That is your only task.

Don’t be food fussy. It’s hard to say what has happened to people’s food issues in recent decades, but everyone is fed up with everyone else’s foody problems. No one really cares if you don’t eat meat, nuts, milk, carbs, cheese, salmon, pork, sugar, or whatever else. If you don’t drink alcohol or eat chocolate, that’s perfectly fine. But you need not announce this. Your dietary fetishes and doctrines are your own. You have every right to them. Simply choose wisely, and please do not demand that your hosts accommodate you.

Don’t stay too late. It seems strange, but an entire generation of people has not developed the skill of leaving at a reasonable hour. They stay and stay, thinking that leaving is a signal that they don’t like being there and that the longer they stay, the more they are affirming the happiness of the event. This is not true. There is only one way to leave. Decide to go and go but never, ever, under any circumstances, leave a home or an event without finding the hostess and thanking her specifically.

This might sound like a large rulebook to remember, but it really is not. It is what countless generations have done but has become forgotten knowledge in our time. If you can clip and save this, and practice it without fail, you can be a major contributor to the great cultural and social rebuilding effort of our time. Regardless of your politics or religion, the test is always how we treat our friends and neighbors.

There is no better time to begin the effort than the holidays. Merry Christmas and Happiest of Holidays to you and yours!