“I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.”
—Conan the Barbarian
Dude. That’s so deep. Actually, back in the day, to read the Conan books as a hormone-crazed 14-year-old, thirsting to learn the scope of one’s own masculinity—was to be a raving fan. During the 1970s, with its zeitgeist kowtowing to the notion of the “sensitive male,” Conan the Barbarian filled a void. Granted, it was not with the healthiest portions of the masculine creed.
Conan fuels everything feminism hates about the warrior side of testosterone, but the 14-year-old males of the world will be in hog heaven.
Had this update of the Arnold Schwarzenegger-originated role been the first version, it would have been definitive. The new guy, 6-foot-5-inch Jason Momoa, IS Conan.
He doesn’t have Arnold’s seven-time-Mr.-Olympia-winning muscles, but they’re plenty impressive. Plus he can sort of act. Arnold could sort of act too, but Jason can sort of act better. And his face is 100 percent Conan. Momoa’s got the massive, Neanderthal brow-ridge of artist Frank Frazetta’s famous depiction of Conan. Perfect casting.
It’s the tale of the great Cimmerian warrior’s quest to save the nations of Hyboria from impending enslavement by an evil ruler. This ruler, played by Stephen Lang (one his better villains), is similar to Sauron searching for the ring of power in The Lord of the Rings (LOTR), except that he’s looking for a mask. But first, young Conan is taught the ways of men and swords by Dad, played by Ron Perlman, looking like a Cimmerian Moses.
Also like LOTR, Conan attempts to bring to life a fictitious piece of “lost history.” However, Tolkien created a startlingly believable world by giving in-depth background, context, connection, and meaning to every detail. Whereas even as a kid, you knew the entire world of Conan, with the exception of the fight scenes, was pure blather.
He doesn’t have Arnold’s seven-time-Mr.-Olympia-winning muscles, but they’re plenty impressive. Plus he can sort of act. Arnold could sort of act too, but Jason can sort of act better. And his face is 100 percent Conan. Momoa’s got the massive, Neanderthal brow-ridge of artist Frank Frazetta’s famous depiction of Conan. Perfect casting.
It’s the tale of the great Cimmerian warrior’s quest to save the nations of Hyboria from impending enslavement by an evil ruler. This ruler, played by Stephen Lang (one his better villains), is similar to Sauron searching for the ring of power in The Lord of the Rings (LOTR), except that he’s looking for a mask. But first, young Conan is taught the ways of men and swords by Dad, played by Ron Perlman, looking like a Cimmerian Moses.
Also like LOTR, Conan attempts to bring to life a fictitious piece of “lost history.” However, Tolkien created a startlingly believable world by giving in-depth background, context, connection, and meaning to every detail. Whereas even as a kid, you knew the entire world of Conan, with the exception of the fight scenes, was pure blather.
Here’s a line from the movie: “It is she, the pure-blood descendant of the Necromancers of Asheron.” What? Just let the man run amok with the broadsword. Either give some believable context or nix the egregious fantasy-ese.
We’ve seen pretty much everything in here by now. It’s got every last pre-gunpowder war-scene cliché, from Kenneth Branagh’s Henry V, Braveheart, The Lord of the Rings, and 300, to Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s even got a LOTR “Mines of Moria” set piece, replete with a tentacled Watcher in the Water.
However, even though we’ve seen it all before, Conan the Barbarianis undeniably sensually sumptuous. It’s pure fantasy mash-up nonsense, and yet so visually arresting that flashy form almost makes up for dearth of content.
[etRating value=“ 3”]
We’ve seen pretty much everything in here by now. It’s got every last pre-gunpowder war-scene cliché, from Kenneth Branagh’s Henry V, Braveheart, The Lord of the Rings, and 300, to Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s even got a LOTR “Mines of Moria” set piece, replete with a tentacled Watcher in the Water.
However, even though we’ve seen it all before, Conan the Barbarianis undeniably sensually sumptuous. It’s pure fantasy mash-up nonsense, and yet so visually arresting that flashy form almost makes up for dearth of content.
[etRating value=“ 3”]
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